So here I am essentially single in the city, living the ultimate SJP experience no? I mean, killer penthouse condo, amazing view of the city in one of the hottest areas, and steps from the trendiest shopping district Toronto has to offer. On top of all that, I have no extra tooth brushes in the holder, no toilet seat to repeatedly put down and no extra articles of clothing laying around that have special washing and ironing directions, ITS ALL MINE!!!!!!! And I'm not saying that sharing it with someone wouldn't be awesome, I'm just saying that for right now my space is my space and for this one reason I say that its fully time to experiment, wouldn't you?
After realizing that the life I thought I was going to have was no longer, I decided to think about that bucket list, you know not the list of things I want to do before I die, but the things I want to do before I get married, have kids, raise a family and ultimately sell my soul. So while there are obvious career & life goals, the fun stuff includes ways on getting out there, meeting people and figuring how exactly you find "the one" in the middle of this chaotic place.
So place number one - Speed dating?!?!?!!?!? After months and months of contemplating, I bit the bullet and attempted this crazy concept. I won't say where, with whom or how it all came about, but let's just say it did in fact happen. AND LET ME TELL YOU....it was likely one of the most exhausting experiences ever, even for a chatter box like myself. So let's set the stage.
50 guys, 2.5 minutes each and they all come to ME?...mhmm, I could get used to this new aged thought of an assembly line, lol. Everyone is handed a piece of paper that has all the participants of the opposite sex on it, a space for comments and a check box that says yes or no. The bell rings and there you have it, bachelor number one makes his way to you. The bell continues to ring every 2.5 minutes to alert the guys to essentially move on to the next one.
Now, the idea is that based on the amazing conversations you share in 2.5 minutes each of you is suppose to check the yes/no box. At the end of the nite you are to go home, log into the site and place your yes's and no's online. Every time yes's match up, personal information such as email addresses are exchanged and the dating begins so to speak. Now I won't even take it that far, because the truth is I have no idea where that paper went and after going through these motions for about an hour or so everyone started to seem the EXACT SAME.
The concept I have to say actually makes a lot of sense, I mean its the most bang for your buck. It's your chance to get out in the city for a night and meet people that are somewhat serious about finding someone and experience a full season of the bachelor/bachelorette without all the unnecessary drama and rose ceremonies. Great concept, only the pool of men usually don't embody anything like you see on TV.
I definitely have some funny stories to share about the men i did meet ( i.e. the movie funder, the tattooed covered man and the ones that sat their not saying a word) , my favorites were the ones that approached you, sat down and immediately checked yes without even asking your name. Flattering yes, but at the same time being a former fatty myself, I kind of want someone to say yes because of the substance and not based on the things that are definitely all going to be due south in the next 20-30 years. I mean let's be honest, there is only so much that botox and plastic surgery can do, lol. I just remember thinking, really at this point I could say anything and you would nod your head and smile, so you can imagine the crap that flew out of my mouth...lol
Needless to say the pool of men was extremely interesting and while I wouldn't do it again at the risk of running into anyone I know, the reality is that it does open you up and stretch you completely out of your box and comfort zone. I mean I sat there through some of the best conversations I have ever had and wondered if I saw you at a bar and you approached me, I would probably look the other way. And while I think we all have these ideas of what our ultimate mate should look like or embody, the truth is after pooling a lot of my friends in successful relationships lately, the consensus has been that usually everything you want is there, but the packaging is just so not what you thought....
Interesting thought no? Almost like the that saying you heard repeatedly in elementary school and high school not to judge a book by its cover. In this day in age, with life being so chaotic and so busy a concept like this makes SO MUCH SENSE, you just have to show up with absolutely no expectations and a completely open mind.
For me, I still want that fairy tale, no matter how cynical, guarded and stand offish I can seem at times, I really just want to meet my best friend and for me that won't happen at a speed dating event...sooo with that being said speed dating check, on to the next one?!?!
Til the next is complete
- A
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Brand NEW Beginning
A year ago, I embarked on a journey that essentially has changed my entire life as I know it. I left completely freaked out about leaving my quote unquote perfect life behind, worried that everyone would change and essentially I would come back with out a place to fit. The reality is that while life continued here, I was the one that came back completely different and likely changed for the good, the better and for who I always wanted to be. And while the months or the year since I have returned have been full of change, turmoil, heart break and growing up, I can't help but feel stronger then I have ever felt before. A force to be reckoned with so to speak or a Woman and no longer a girl who is ready to have the life she has always dreamed.
A year ago I also began blogging and I realized that while many people have hobbies or passions like dance, music, arts and crafts, mine is writing. Whether I am good at it or not, it is what I love to do and essentially if I could have any job right now, it would likely be to have my column in a book, magazine, newspaper or any other type of media where I could just get paid to research and write about anything and everything under the sun.
When I started this blog, I didn't really have any clear direction on where I wanted to go, and just thought that from my daily life I would get hints and tips on what to write on, which I did but based on the things I was experiencing that line between me wanting to constructively write and also use this as an outlet for me began to become soo grey that there was just too much emotions tied up in this.
So after taking a bit of a hiatus and essentially thinking to myself that I would no longer continue to blog, something happened that changed my perspective on this crazy thing that we call life.
A couple months ago, as I began to enjoy my deactivation from facebook and my new found sense of freedom from the addictiveness of social media, I got a call from someone who is extremely dear to me. The conversation that began to take place is one that I would have never expected, and after hearing that the 28 year old life on the other side of the phone was in jeopardy and possibly headed for an early ending I realized just how short life was.
So the questions on how to spend the time we have now and the people we want to spend that time with, all began to float in my head and as I walked home from work in the days that followed, while the music blaring in my ears from my Ipod all I could think was I just want to spend the time I have doing what I love, with the people who respect me, understand that I am not perfect and essentially see and believe the good in who I strive to always be. And with that I ended up here, aren't you lucky???
Only now, I have a clear idea of where I want this to go and how constructive writing can still be an outlet for me as long as I leave my emotions to the left of the keyboard...lol
Soooo without further adue, welcome to MY BLOG :) Just because I essentially can! The idea is to create a forum. A chance to air out anything and everything. And I don't mean emotional drama but rather things that we all sorta just wonder - whether its something we have always wanted to try, we have always thought, wondered or question - It will all be put in here!
I am off facebook now, and officially have no way of sending out post updates, SO PLEASSSE bookmark, check back, follow me on twitter (which i am still attempting to learn)- anything...to support. Like a starving artist, I am a starving writer, who would love a following :)
Let the POSTTIIING BEGINNN shall we say :)
- A
p.s. On twitter - "MadameArti"
A year ago I also began blogging and I realized that while many people have hobbies or passions like dance, music, arts and crafts, mine is writing. Whether I am good at it or not, it is what I love to do and essentially if I could have any job right now, it would likely be to have my column in a book, magazine, newspaper or any other type of media where I could just get paid to research and write about anything and everything under the sun.
When I started this blog, I didn't really have any clear direction on where I wanted to go, and just thought that from my daily life I would get hints and tips on what to write on, which I did but based on the things I was experiencing that line between me wanting to constructively write and also use this as an outlet for me began to become soo grey that there was just too much emotions tied up in this.
So after taking a bit of a hiatus and essentially thinking to myself that I would no longer continue to blog, something happened that changed my perspective on this crazy thing that we call life.
A couple months ago, as I began to enjoy my deactivation from facebook and my new found sense of freedom from the addictiveness of social media, I got a call from someone who is extremely dear to me. The conversation that began to take place is one that I would have never expected, and after hearing that the 28 year old life on the other side of the phone was in jeopardy and possibly headed for an early ending I realized just how short life was.
So the questions on how to spend the time we have now and the people we want to spend that time with, all began to float in my head and as I walked home from work in the days that followed, while the music blaring in my ears from my Ipod all I could think was I just want to spend the time I have doing what I love, with the people who respect me, understand that I am not perfect and essentially see and believe the good in who I strive to always be. And with that I ended up here, aren't you lucky???
Only now, I have a clear idea of where I want this to go and how constructive writing can still be an outlet for me as long as I leave my emotions to the left of the keyboard...lol
Soooo without further adue, welcome to MY BLOG :) Just because I essentially can! The idea is to create a forum. A chance to air out anything and everything. And I don't mean emotional drama but rather things that we all sorta just wonder - whether its something we have always wanted to try, we have always thought, wondered or question - It will all be put in here!
I am off facebook now, and officially have no way of sending out post updates, SO PLEASSSE bookmark, check back, follow me on twitter (which i am still attempting to learn)- anything...to support. Like a starving artist, I am a starving writer, who would love a following :)
Let the POSTTIIING BEGINNN shall we say :)
- A
p.s. On twitter - "MadameArti"
Thursday, July 22, 2010
LOVE
LOVE....
What is it? And for that matter what does it even mean, stand for and everything in between?
It's been about 4 years since I have said that "L" word to anyone other than my family and immediate friends, and while I may have thought I was close a time or two since it's one of those things I just won't say again until I know it's the last time...I know I am suppose to be living in the POWER OF NOW and be able to seize moments, but it's like the Snow Patrol Song Chasing cars - "Those 3 words, Are Said too Much, they're not enough"...How many times can "I love you" be said, with out beginning to sound the same from person to person.
When I was growing up, I believed in the idea of a cinderella fairy tale. You know Prince Charming and all his charmingness would come sweep me off my feet and love me forever more, bad hair days and all. And the older I get I remind myself of those dreams I had growing up, but then I force myself into reality realizing that things like marriage and starting a family can't just be as simple as that. I mean there is work involved, isn't there? Or have I convinced myself that it all requires that much work, only becuase things just haven't fallen into my lap like that?
What do you think?
I know I raise all these random issues - but let's face it, I'm a late 20 something attempting to make decisions that will affect me for the next 30-40 years of my life or however long I live. I mean am I suppose to walk down the street, magically bump into a stranger and that's it, love at first site will suddenly become forever lasting love? He will magically love me for all my imperfections, our families will combine as one and be amazing and we will walk off into the sunset? MHMM, YEAAA...NO!...lol...I mean in all seriousness doesn't all the glamour fade after awhile, and then suddenly all relationships become work?
I don't struggle with the idea of having to put the effort in, I mean at the end of the day, to know that one person will love you no matter what you could ever do or look like is more than enough for me to want to work through any battle or issue or crisis that we could face. My struggle is with the idea of LOVE and how we distinguish what real LOVE is? And do we LOVE or stay in LOVE becuase we are comfortable and afraid to take risks that seem like those fairy tale momenets we dreamt about as kids? Or do we really just realize that LOVE isn't all that stuff they make it out to be in the movies, rather instead it is as simple as a smile and a warm, secure hug?
I leave you with many questions as I struggle with the cross roads that I face. But before I go, I did think about what LOVE may mean to me...the list is quite long of course, it is from me after all..but never the less it is not exhaustive or complete...
LOVE IS....
a smile that reaches your eyes when you see that person, the warm hug and the sense of security you feel in that persons arms, a single gerber daisy, an uncontrolable sense of laughter you can have in the company of the ones you love, looking at each other at any given moment and not having to say a word and know what each of you is thinking, sticking it through all the good, bad and ugly, knowing when selflessness must come into play, being soo completely vulnerable you feel almost naked, knowing that no matter how bad it can get you'll never be alone, singing at the top of your lungs as you drive in the car, making up a million goofy dances and songs, noticing all the little things, holding a purse without complaining, FAMILY, doing things we hate just to make someone happy, waiting in the wings for the time to be right, and the list continues in my head, heart and mind.....
Till Next time - Continue loving the one's your with and never let a moment go by without saying how you feel, you never know when it could just be too late...
-Arti
What is it? And for that matter what does it even mean, stand for and everything in between?
It's been about 4 years since I have said that "L" word to anyone other than my family and immediate friends, and while I may have thought I was close a time or two since it's one of those things I just won't say again until I know it's the last time...I know I am suppose to be living in the POWER OF NOW and be able to seize moments, but it's like the Snow Patrol Song Chasing cars - "Those 3 words, Are Said too Much, they're not enough"...How many times can "I love you" be said, with out beginning to sound the same from person to person.
When I was growing up, I believed in the idea of a cinderella fairy tale. You know Prince Charming and all his charmingness would come sweep me off my feet and love me forever more, bad hair days and all. And the older I get I remind myself of those dreams I had growing up, but then I force myself into reality realizing that things like marriage and starting a family can't just be as simple as that. I mean there is work involved, isn't there? Or have I convinced myself that it all requires that much work, only becuase things just haven't fallen into my lap like that?
What do you think?
I know I raise all these random issues - but let's face it, I'm a late 20 something attempting to make decisions that will affect me for the next 30-40 years of my life or however long I live. I mean am I suppose to walk down the street, magically bump into a stranger and that's it, love at first site will suddenly become forever lasting love? He will magically love me for all my imperfections, our families will combine as one and be amazing and we will walk off into the sunset? MHMM, YEAAA...NO!...lol...I mean in all seriousness doesn't all the glamour fade after awhile, and then suddenly all relationships become work?
I don't struggle with the idea of having to put the effort in, I mean at the end of the day, to know that one person will love you no matter what you could ever do or look like is more than enough for me to want to work through any battle or issue or crisis that we could face. My struggle is with the idea of LOVE and how we distinguish what real LOVE is? And do we LOVE or stay in LOVE becuase we are comfortable and afraid to take risks that seem like those fairy tale momenets we dreamt about as kids? Or do we really just realize that LOVE isn't all that stuff they make it out to be in the movies, rather instead it is as simple as a smile and a warm, secure hug?
I leave you with many questions as I struggle with the cross roads that I face. But before I go, I did think about what LOVE may mean to me...the list is quite long of course, it is from me after all..but never the less it is not exhaustive or complete...
LOVE IS....
a smile that reaches your eyes when you see that person, the warm hug and the sense of security you feel in that persons arms, a single gerber daisy, an uncontrolable sense of laughter you can have in the company of the ones you love, looking at each other at any given moment and not having to say a word and know what each of you is thinking, sticking it through all the good, bad and ugly, knowing when selflessness must come into play, being soo completely vulnerable you feel almost naked, knowing that no matter how bad it can get you'll never be alone, singing at the top of your lungs as you drive in the car, making up a million goofy dances and songs, noticing all the little things, holding a purse without complaining, FAMILY, doing things we hate just to make someone happy, waiting in the wings for the time to be right, and the list continues in my head, heart and mind.....
Till Next time - Continue loving the one's your with and never let a moment go by without saying how you feel, you never know when it could just be too late...
-Arti
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Revolving Door....
The infamous Revolving door...the one I could spend hours in as a child and the one that seems to sum up my life when it comes to the title of "best friend" or friend...
I thought as I got older, the concept of the revolving door theme would calm down a bit, but it seems the older I get the worse it seems to get. I mean the idea of the revolving door I guess is similar to that idea of seasons and time and how certain people just come into your life for short periods of time only to leave footprints (or stab wounds) in your heart.
I know we have all experienced this, after all it doesnt just represent the idea of friends but rather relationships as well...
Why you ask all of sudden does the idea of this pop into my head? Well, here goes...
Today, the 11th of July is a day I have spent for you dont even want to know how many years attempting to make it something beautiful for someone who I understood to embody the traits of someone I would take to my grave...My best friend. The one who no matter how much of a revolving door my friends seemed to take in my life, always stayed constant. Its like I never really had to worry about the revolving door becuase I had her and no matter how bad any relationship got whether with a boy or just with my girl friends, it didn't matter becuase she was there...The concept was rather beautiful to me and made me feel so special becuase I hadn't had that many people just stay for long periods of time in my life...maybe thats why I close myself off soo much when in person and only let snipits out at a time..who knows....
Anyways, as you guessed it this relationship is no more. And while it ended extremely coldly on the other end, I can't imagine nor fathom how something so beautiful could have just been simply forgotten or replaced. And now many months later, I have had to experience utter and complete heart break, job change, endless back and forth and questioning of the path I have chosen for my life and the list continues all on my own. I would be wrong to say I didnt have anyone holding my hand becuase I have, but becuase so much of myself depended on her, its like I have been left not knowing how to even depend on people...
So my question is does it get easier?
I mean becuase along with this, I feel like I have been struggling with having to continuously proove myself to the friends I do have and quite frankly I am getting so exhausted. I come home from work, school or play and just plop into bed at nite and wonder who will be left standing with me 5, 10 or 15 years from now...
Maybe the idea is as it stands. That the only people that will really always be around will be family and the rest is just a pile of experiences that you will live to tell about....
Thoughts?
Til Next time
- A
P.s. Before I get too many pity calls - one still remains for me...one meaning a best friend and there aint no way this friendship will ever die we promised each other bitch slaps before it ever happened...lol...LOVE YA FOTO :)
I thought as I got older, the concept of the revolving door theme would calm down a bit, but it seems the older I get the worse it seems to get. I mean the idea of the revolving door I guess is similar to that idea of seasons and time and how certain people just come into your life for short periods of time only to leave footprints (or stab wounds) in your heart.
I know we have all experienced this, after all it doesnt just represent the idea of friends but rather relationships as well...
Why you ask all of sudden does the idea of this pop into my head? Well, here goes...
Today, the 11th of July is a day I have spent for you dont even want to know how many years attempting to make it something beautiful for someone who I understood to embody the traits of someone I would take to my grave...My best friend. The one who no matter how much of a revolving door my friends seemed to take in my life, always stayed constant. Its like I never really had to worry about the revolving door becuase I had her and no matter how bad any relationship got whether with a boy or just with my girl friends, it didn't matter becuase she was there...The concept was rather beautiful to me and made me feel so special becuase I hadn't had that many people just stay for long periods of time in my life...maybe thats why I close myself off soo much when in person and only let snipits out at a time..who knows....
Anyways, as you guessed it this relationship is no more. And while it ended extremely coldly on the other end, I can't imagine nor fathom how something so beautiful could have just been simply forgotten or replaced. And now many months later, I have had to experience utter and complete heart break, job change, endless back and forth and questioning of the path I have chosen for my life and the list continues all on my own. I would be wrong to say I didnt have anyone holding my hand becuase I have, but becuase so much of myself depended on her, its like I have been left not knowing how to even depend on people...
So my question is does it get easier?
I mean becuase along with this, I feel like I have been struggling with having to continuously proove myself to the friends I do have and quite frankly I am getting so exhausted. I come home from work, school or play and just plop into bed at nite and wonder who will be left standing with me 5, 10 or 15 years from now...
Maybe the idea is as it stands. That the only people that will really always be around will be family and the rest is just a pile of experiences that you will live to tell about....
Thoughts?
Til Next time
- A
P.s. Before I get too many pity calls - one still remains for me...one meaning a best friend and there aint no way this friendship will ever die we promised each other bitch slaps before it ever happened...lol...LOVE YA FOTO :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
a beautiful unconventional moment full of commitment...
I have been struggling for days with what to write. My mind is a complete blur and as I try and process things I have found out that I likely should not know, my heart, head and everything in between is at a complete state of question.
The topics of posts that I kept toying with were the idea of "normal/conventional" and commitment, neither of which I know much about since I tend to always follow unconventional paths that make me wonder if I stick to them because I am scared of the idea of commitment and having to trust anyone that much. Clearly those around me know that when it comes to those that are closest to me or that have been closest to me, there seems to be a somewhat "Revolving door" theme. Mhmm, and I have trust issues, you wonder?
In the midst of me trying to figure out how to explain all the things in my head and cope with the emotions of being utterly in a state of "I just don't know", I experienced what appears to have been one of the single most beautiful moments of my life and before I dive in, I just want to say thank you to Alicia, for letting me be apart of such an incredible moment :)
So, there alicia and I were, at spadina gardens clearly the best hakka resto in the city, when she gets the text from her brother in law that her sister michelle will begin pushing in 1/2 an hour (back-up, one moment...pushing means she is in labour!!!!). Both in complete excitement we flee the resto and race back to the hospital.
We go in to see Michelle, just before the doctor's come in and she is completely calm and ready to go. It was as if having a baby was a daily activity for her, I mean what happened to the screamming, out of control ladies on TV? I was soo incredibly confused, but she reassurred me that the drugs made her that calm..CLEARLYYY I will be taking every drug the doctor has, nooo attempt at natural pregnancy here, thank you!
Anyways, after saying our goodlucks, Alicia and I head to the waiting room where we sat with her mother, her other sister, her sister's inlaws and her brother -in law's best friend & partner. We all sat around giggling, laughing and sharing stories, while awaiting any news. And then about an hour or 2 later a text was recieved by the grandmother's first of the first picture of Joshua Neil, absolutley stunning. The minute the pictures come through the tears in the room start flowing, and the hugs and kisses begin. It was one of those moments where you get caught up in feeling how amazing life really is.
But as I sat there taking such a moment in, I began to realize that everything I wanted to write about was in front of me. How was it, that I could be surrounded by what I was? Michelle comes from a Trini family, whom represents the typical standard trini family, am I right alicia? And Devon her husband comes from your atypical Jewish family, you know predominant famlies, with lots of wealth, representing high society living. The two families were bound by their love and commitment to an unconventional path. Falling in love with people whom their families never expected for each of them, yet they stuck to it and allowed their love to endure, and with time any reserved or ill feelings the families had, were erased and together in that waiting room they sat completely harmonized by love.
On top of that sat with us Devon's best friend, who will b the God Father to Little Joshua. He was accompanied by his partner and you know what that means. A gay couple again bound to each other by their commitment to an unconventional path once again.
It was absolutely beautiful and gave me the thought that maybe I just stuck to unconventional paths becuase I followed my heart and my instincts and chose to not conform to what other people have wanted for me. While I know everyone has their best of intentions, I am coming to realize that if you really just stop and listen to your insides for a moment it will tell you everything you need to know.
And its when you hear that voice, you learn to trust, stay committed and stick to unconventional paths even in its most trying moments. This is why we never really give up on things we believe in, after all that is the power of commitment, isn't it?...
Til Next time
-A
The topics of posts that I kept toying with were the idea of "normal/conventional" and commitment, neither of which I know much about since I tend to always follow unconventional paths that make me wonder if I stick to them because I am scared of the idea of commitment and having to trust anyone that much. Clearly those around me know that when it comes to those that are closest to me or that have been closest to me, there seems to be a somewhat "Revolving door" theme. Mhmm, and I have trust issues, you wonder?
In the midst of me trying to figure out how to explain all the things in my head and cope with the emotions of being utterly in a state of "I just don't know", I experienced what appears to have been one of the single most beautiful moments of my life and before I dive in, I just want to say thank you to Alicia, for letting me be apart of such an incredible moment :)
So, there alicia and I were, at spadina gardens clearly the best hakka resto in the city, when she gets the text from her brother in law that her sister michelle will begin pushing in 1/2 an hour (back-up, one moment...pushing means she is in labour!!!!). Both in complete excitement we flee the resto and race back to the hospital.
We go in to see Michelle, just before the doctor's come in and she is completely calm and ready to go. It was as if having a baby was a daily activity for her, I mean what happened to the screamming, out of control ladies on TV? I was soo incredibly confused, but she reassurred me that the drugs made her that calm..CLEARLYYY I will be taking every drug the doctor has, nooo attempt at natural pregnancy here, thank you!
Anyways, after saying our goodlucks, Alicia and I head to the waiting room where we sat with her mother, her other sister, her sister's inlaws and her brother -in law's best friend & partner. We all sat around giggling, laughing and sharing stories, while awaiting any news. And then about an hour or 2 later a text was recieved by the grandmother's first of the first picture of Joshua Neil, absolutley stunning. The minute the pictures come through the tears in the room start flowing, and the hugs and kisses begin. It was one of those moments where you get caught up in feeling how amazing life really is.
But as I sat there taking such a moment in, I began to realize that everything I wanted to write about was in front of me. How was it, that I could be surrounded by what I was? Michelle comes from a Trini family, whom represents the typical standard trini family, am I right alicia? And Devon her husband comes from your atypical Jewish family, you know predominant famlies, with lots of wealth, representing high society living. The two families were bound by their love and commitment to an unconventional path. Falling in love with people whom their families never expected for each of them, yet they stuck to it and allowed their love to endure, and with time any reserved or ill feelings the families had, were erased and together in that waiting room they sat completely harmonized by love.
On top of that sat with us Devon's best friend, who will b the God Father to Little Joshua. He was accompanied by his partner and you know what that means. A gay couple again bound to each other by their commitment to an unconventional path once again.
It was absolutely beautiful and gave me the thought that maybe I just stuck to unconventional paths becuase I followed my heart and my instincts and chose to not conform to what other people have wanted for me. While I know everyone has their best of intentions, I am coming to realize that if you really just stop and listen to your insides for a moment it will tell you everything you need to know.
And its when you hear that voice, you learn to trust, stay committed and stick to unconventional paths even in its most trying moments. This is why we never really give up on things we believe in, after all that is the power of commitment, isn't it?...
Til Next time
-A
Monday, June 21, 2010
FAITH - there is no better one, as long as you have it ...
I began writing a post on Sunday night with hopes of finishing it tonight. But as I reopened the post to continue writing about my view on SAT2 and how it soo much illustrates the life lessons I have learnt over the past bit. My mind was elsewhere.
As most of you know I have a weekly Tuesday Ritual and no its not the newly established slumber party at my parentals, but rather it is my visit to the Temple and as I began to write out a speech I have to give tomorrow night...my mind began to drift back to where/when it all started.
Thinking back on my life now, it is crazy to even think how this has become so routine for me in nature. It's not that I wasn't raised in a religious household, becuase I was. But like most kids you hear things growing up and you go through the motions of what your parents tell you to do and you do it and you don't question it becuase the reality is they are your parents and you don't second guess anything they tell you.
At the budding age of 19, I met someone whom I thought was the love of my life. And before I could even come to enjoy the idea of just being young and in Love I was faced with some of the hardest questions I would ever face in my life. He although Indian was a Suni Muslim and I of course was not. My life at that point quickly turned into an Indian Movie of sorts. And while the two of us, can sit back and laugh about some of the things now, we both know that while going through it, hell seemed like a lot better of a place to be.
Soon after my unforbidden Love bit the dust I met someone else, whom after many years became someone I could see my life with. He was not Indian and instead of being a Suni Muslim, he was Catholic. Over the years that we had dated I had gone to Church every sunday with him, family events that were in the church and even carried out catholic rituals like Lent. In the 4 years that we dated we ate indian food once and near to the end of our relationship he told me he knew that I prayed at mosque....funny becuase I thought only Muslims Prayed at mosque :S
It was after these failed relationships and the dawning of my sisters wedding that I began to question what I would do if I were too have kids tomorrow? I mean what would I teach them and where would religion stand in our family life? As I began to ask all these questions, I quickly realized that I didn't know anything to begin with. I mean I had spent most of my adult life trying to be the compromising girlfriend for most of my boyfriends that I had never taken the time to get to know anything about the religion that I was raised with.
So with this realization I embarked on the journey to figure it all out. I started going to the temple on Tuesdays and found through the services that i was learning about the things I was raised with and the idea's that my parents followed as they raised us. Having nearly minored in religion in University i could sit in the services and draw the connections between all the religions I had studied and realized that while the rituals made each religion different the underlying concepts were all the same. And really as much as we all like to point fingers, be fanatical at times and draw judgement all in all it is a really beautiful thing to understand that we are all really connected.
While i continued to go to the Temple every Tuesday, I began taking Yoga. And it is through Yoga, I have learnt the most about me, myself and my beliefs and where I see my kids as they grow. While I go to the temple every tuesday and I don't eat meat on Mondays and Tuesdays. Its all become a form of discipline for me and further my own little ritual that I have made. And while I think and believe that the Hindu religion is beautiful, I don't believe that it is the best or the better one to follow. In fact I have come to understand the idea of being spirtual and the importance of being raised with some religious backing. Thus whether you are raised catholic, christian, muslim, etc. it doesn't matter as long as you are raised having some belief that a higher power exists.
After all everyone needs something to believe in and while its tough to keep hope in serious moments of weakness, its that faith that ultimately gets us through it all and the kind of faith doesn't matter as long as there is some faith there to begin with :)
Here's to hoping I don't stutter toooo much tomorrow
-A
As most of you know I have a weekly Tuesday Ritual and no its not the newly established slumber party at my parentals, but rather it is my visit to the Temple and as I began to write out a speech I have to give tomorrow night...my mind began to drift back to where/when it all started.
Thinking back on my life now, it is crazy to even think how this has become so routine for me in nature. It's not that I wasn't raised in a religious household, becuase I was. But like most kids you hear things growing up and you go through the motions of what your parents tell you to do and you do it and you don't question it becuase the reality is they are your parents and you don't second guess anything they tell you.
At the budding age of 19, I met someone whom I thought was the love of my life. And before I could even come to enjoy the idea of just being young and in Love I was faced with some of the hardest questions I would ever face in my life. He although Indian was a Suni Muslim and I of course was not. My life at that point quickly turned into an Indian Movie of sorts. And while the two of us, can sit back and laugh about some of the things now, we both know that while going through it, hell seemed like a lot better of a place to be.
Soon after my unforbidden Love bit the dust I met someone else, whom after many years became someone I could see my life with. He was not Indian and instead of being a Suni Muslim, he was Catholic. Over the years that we had dated I had gone to Church every sunday with him, family events that were in the church and even carried out catholic rituals like Lent. In the 4 years that we dated we ate indian food once and near to the end of our relationship he told me he knew that I prayed at mosque....funny becuase I thought only Muslims Prayed at mosque :S
It was after these failed relationships and the dawning of my sisters wedding that I began to question what I would do if I were too have kids tomorrow? I mean what would I teach them and where would religion stand in our family life? As I began to ask all these questions, I quickly realized that I didn't know anything to begin with. I mean I had spent most of my adult life trying to be the compromising girlfriend for most of my boyfriends that I had never taken the time to get to know anything about the religion that I was raised with.
So with this realization I embarked on the journey to figure it all out. I started going to the temple on Tuesdays and found through the services that i was learning about the things I was raised with and the idea's that my parents followed as they raised us. Having nearly minored in religion in University i could sit in the services and draw the connections between all the religions I had studied and realized that while the rituals made each religion different the underlying concepts were all the same. And really as much as we all like to point fingers, be fanatical at times and draw judgement all in all it is a really beautiful thing to understand that we are all really connected.
While i continued to go to the Temple every Tuesday, I began taking Yoga. And it is through Yoga, I have learnt the most about me, myself and my beliefs and where I see my kids as they grow. While I go to the temple every tuesday and I don't eat meat on Mondays and Tuesdays. Its all become a form of discipline for me and further my own little ritual that I have made. And while I think and believe that the Hindu religion is beautiful, I don't believe that it is the best or the better one to follow. In fact I have come to understand the idea of being spirtual and the importance of being raised with some religious backing. Thus whether you are raised catholic, christian, muslim, etc. it doesn't matter as long as you are raised having some belief that a higher power exists.
After all everyone needs something to believe in and while its tough to keep hope in serious moments of weakness, its that faith that ultimately gets us through it all and the kind of faith doesn't matter as long as there is some faith there to begin with :)
Here's to hoping I don't stutter toooo much tomorrow
-A
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The God of Small Things.....
Yes I know sometime has passed since I last wrote, but I was in the midst of recovering from one of the many new domestic injuries I keep getting. Lucky for me this one left my thumb in several bandages and gave me the electricution hairstyle that caused many of my coworkers to wonder if I had fallen off the fashion bandwagon and into a bath tub filled with electric cords....lol
But I have now recovered and am sitting in my cute little apartment, wondering if it will ever feel like home. Whille the walls and shelves are filled with pictures and decor, I cant really fathom that this is really permanent and not some hotel room I have been forced to stay in while working. In fact the first few weeks here, I woke up in the mornings and opened the door to my apartment to see if the paper would be there :S But quickly I have learned that maid service doesn't exist in condo's and no one makes your bed and leaves chocolates on your pillow or free bottles of water which have now become a luxury to me.
And its not that I don't like it, becuase I love it. I just wonder how all these hotel rooms I have stayed in before became like home faster than something that is actually permanent like my apartment. I mean in just a few short days my Ugandan house became like this security blanket that I still think about at night and whille driving along hwy 1 the west coast left me glowing just as radiant as the sun and taking the tube London just felt like second nature. And yes I do know that the idea of settling into something takes sometime...maybe I am just beginning to wonder if this is really home for me and if it is, what's missing from the equation?
Regardless I will tell you one thing. Moving out has reminded me all over again about the "little things" and why I love them soo much, its almost like I have learnt to just cherish them that much more...
Let's face it, I have never been the girl to like expensive jewlry and gifts and while I wouldn't mind getting me some tiffany's at the end of the day its a single gerber daisy, a sweet comment and the effort and time that make the difference. The best gifts are the one's that show that you actually had to do more then walk into a store and pick something out...they show that you actually have begun to understand the people that surround you and are taking the time to show them that you have been listing and watching this whole time...
With that being said, I have begun a tradition that is what reminded of the little things. On Tuesday's I make the trek up to the Hill and slumber party it up with my rents. Every Monday Night as I pack my bag, I curse the idea of having to stay there, but then I get there and its as simple as my dad waiting on the driveway with open arms, or my mom having baked a cake for me that always causes me to tear up as I head home. Last nite, I continued the Tuesday night tradition. After a yummy dinner and some TV with the parentals, I headed for a shower. When I came out of the bathroom the house was dark and I knew that meant my parents had fallen asleep and a part of me was sad that I didn't get to say good night to them, becuase as my sister will agree - "goodnight hugs and kisses" are a tradition in our household. Anyways, as I headed into my room, there on my bed lay a note:
Good Night (insert dad's pet name that CAN NEVER BE REVEALED!) - Love daddy
Yes, i am a sap because I totally teared up. But thats just it. It was as if my dad just knew I would be sad that I didn't get to say good nite...And it was that Little note written on scrap paper that made any stress from the day disappear.
And with that I leave you all with the question of - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAT BACK LOOKED AT THE LITTLE THINGS AND REALIZED JUST HOW LUCKY YOU WERE? shity days are shity days and they will continue on forever - but its the people that make you smile most on those days that really understand "The God of Small Things" and those are the people you should surround yourself with alll the time :)
Til Next Time
- A
But I have now recovered and am sitting in my cute little apartment, wondering if it will ever feel like home. Whille the walls and shelves are filled with pictures and decor, I cant really fathom that this is really permanent and not some hotel room I have been forced to stay in while working. In fact the first few weeks here, I woke up in the mornings and opened the door to my apartment to see if the paper would be there :S But quickly I have learned that maid service doesn't exist in condo's and no one makes your bed and leaves chocolates on your pillow or free bottles of water which have now become a luxury to me.
And its not that I don't like it, becuase I love it. I just wonder how all these hotel rooms I have stayed in before became like home faster than something that is actually permanent like my apartment. I mean in just a few short days my Ugandan house became like this security blanket that I still think about at night and whille driving along hwy 1 the west coast left me glowing just as radiant as the sun and taking the tube London just felt like second nature. And yes I do know that the idea of settling into something takes sometime...maybe I am just beginning to wonder if this is really home for me and if it is, what's missing from the equation?
Regardless I will tell you one thing. Moving out has reminded me all over again about the "little things" and why I love them soo much, its almost like I have learnt to just cherish them that much more...
Let's face it, I have never been the girl to like expensive jewlry and gifts and while I wouldn't mind getting me some tiffany's at the end of the day its a single gerber daisy, a sweet comment and the effort and time that make the difference. The best gifts are the one's that show that you actually had to do more then walk into a store and pick something out...they show that you actually have begun to understand the people that surround you and are taking the time to show them that you have been listing and watching this whole time...
With that being said, I have begun a tradition that is what reminded of the little things. On Tuesday's I make the trek up to the Hill and slumber party it up with my rents. Every Monday Night as I pack my bag, I curse the idea of having to stay there, but then I get there and its as simple as my dad waiting on the driveway with open arms, or my mom having baked a cake for me that always causes me to tear up as I head home. Last nite, I continued the Tuesday night tradition. After a yummy dinner and some TV with the parentals, I headed for a shower. When I came out of the bathroom the house was dark and I knew that meant my parents had fallen asleep and a part of me was sad that I didn't get to say good night to them, becuase as my sister will agree - "goodnight hugs and kisses" are a tradition in our household. Anyways, as I headed into my room, there on my bed lay a note:
Good Night (insert dad's pet name that CAN NEVER BE REVEALED!) - Love daddy
Yes, i am a sap because I totally teared up. But thats just it. It was as if my dad just knew I would be sad that I didn't get to say good nite...And it was that Little note written on scrap paper that made any stress from the day disappear.
And with that I leave you all with the question of - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAT BACK LOOKED AT THE LITTLE THINGS AND REALIZED JUST HOW LUCKY YOU WERE? shity days are shity days and they will continue on forever - but its the people that make you smile most on those days that really understand "The God of Small Things" and those are the people you should surround yourself with alll the time :)
Til Next Time
- A
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Taking a trip down memooory lane..
So yes I know its been quite awhille and who would have thought that I would have been missed?!?! Seee I knew that as annoying as I may be I had some avid followers that would misss meeeee...soo thanks for all the check in emails/calls/texts and making sure I was alive (and for the record V you are IN TROUBLE!!!)...
And yes I do agree its been awhille, but since my last post on top of dealing with the emotions of everything, i was actually in the middle of packing and unpacking hell...YESSSSS peeopple it is correct, that this little lady has left the home nest and moved out all on my lone some :)
And I will admit that whille there were several tears in my eyes when my u-haul, my parents and my boys left my condo leaving me with second thoughts, after settling in I will firmly say that I AM IN LOVE WITH MY NEW PLACE in its entirity. And the love I can say comes from the fact that I got to decide what went in it...
Packing became sort of like this huge clensing exercise where I got to go through all the things in my room that had high school and university memories written all over them. Which of course included pieces of the good, the bad and the ugly. But I just thought that the trip down memory lane was sooo timely since my new obsession and probably the one thing that kept me distracted from packing was GLEEE!!!!
Everytime I watch the show, i wonder where the hell the idea of a Glee club was when I was in high school and if having a club where all the weird quarky people got together would have made a difference for me, when I was stuck in a place where nothing made much sense. Trying to fit a square into a circle can definately sum up my entire high school existance. I mean isn't all your trying to do as you grow up just fit in?? You wear the cool clothes that your friends do, listen to the same music and like the same things even boys. As I looked through old year books all I could think was, WHO THE HELL LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THAT or WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME THAT SHORT HAIR WAS NOT MENT FOR CHUBBY PEOPLE!!!!!...although I must admit that while I definately had my share of weird hair styles and clothes, they don't compare to some of the other styles I have seen people rock back in the day, lol (mhmm, long hair and spikey head bands DO NOT work on guys..lol).
None the less, this trip down memory lane definately made packing all that more interesting and left me wondering whether or not I had any regrets?!?! I mean were there things I wish I hadn't done or done ?? Of course...but as I continued to contemplate the idea of regret, I began to unpack the boxes and lay things out in my new condo. And in the midst of trying on clothes and doing the debate as to whether to keep them or not, this question came to my mind...
"Had I done anything differently, would I be where I am right now?"
And the answer is that there is a huge likelyhood that I wouldn't be...and for that small percentage of a possibility all the possible regrets left my mind. High school is all about making mistakes, much like each episode on glee spells out. So all the mistakes that I made were worth it becuase as much as I wish I could go back to the goood old times, life is pretty damn good right now and i am enjoying each new adventure..so why trade it? Or risk not being where I am now? Thoughts?!?!?!?
With that, I will leave you all with my top 10 high school memories, in no particular order (and likely the list is longer, but for the sake of your sanity I will leave it at 10)...ENJOOOY :)
1. Student Council elections that were filled of embarressing photo's, posters and campaign speeches. And while I spent the beginning of high school searching for the cool slogan to be used, I think I can say it was founnnnnd by the end:
" If youuuuu wannnna parrtyyy, then vottte for Arti, WOOOOOOOO"
2. Singing "Hey Mr. DJ" with Aliiicia just to get out of Science class early...clearrrly back then my science teacher didnt believe I was tone deaf and thought I sounded half decent...lol
3. The all-night conversations on ICQ, that introduced the idea of "boys" to my parents...lol..little did they know that through my new found male friendships they toooo would find best friends...lol.. exhibit 1 - Harry & Shakti, wldn't you agree Navin??
4. Being ridiculed as a "niner" by the OAC boys, who would later pick me up at night clubs and sware I was wifey material...TOOO BAD they got fat and grew pimples and I got skinnier and better looking...lol...
5. Falling in love with someone I believe to still be one of the most beautiful people I will ever know, lucky for me a bond that unique left me with a friendship that will last a lifetime :)
6. The Montreal grad trip....lol...CLEARLY the first night was the best and needless to say the name "so quick" will for ever stiiick...I think its when I finally became the circle that fit into a circle, if you know what i mean :P
7. Trying liquer for the first time, and having to do it all BY MYSELF in the student councel office as all my friends met in some park to share cooool drinks like rev as I set up for the dance...needless to say I wish I had drank rev instead of the shot bottles of JD :S
8. Weird high school teacher freak -outs :
a. Mr. Titus screaming that it was his birthday and we were all being assholes to him...lol
b. Mr. Tetzleff telling all the asian kids who wouldn't stop speaking in chinese to F Off...literally
9. Havin Brian Barker walk into random classes screaming out my nickkk nammmmme "RDDDDUUUUUUU" and realizing that the name would stick for life...lol.THANKS FRANCIE...LOL
10. Playing on the girls basketball team, even if it lasted what seemed like a minute, lol..I began to grow horizontally as everyone grew vertically..clearly I was going in the wrong direction, lol.
And thats that..there are definately more and i would be lying if I wasnt sitting at my computer giggling about the many more..all I can say is all the good are still around and their pieces of them all over my condo :)
Til next time, which will be soooooner, rather then later
-A
And yes I do agree its been awhille, but since my last post on top of dealing with the emotions of everything, i was actually in the middle of packing and unpacking hell...YESSSSS peeopple it is correct, that this little lady has left the home nest and moved out all on my lone some :)
And I will admit that whille there were several tears in my eyes when my u-haul, my parents and my boys left my condo leaving me with second thoughts, after settling in I will firmly say that I AM IN LOVE WITH MY NEW PLACE in its entirity. And the love I can say comes from the fact that I got to decide what went in it...
Packing became sort of like this huge clensing exercise where I got to go through all the things in my room that had high school and university memories written all over them. Which of course included pieces of the good, the bad and the ugly. But I just thought that the trip down memory lane was sooo timely since my new obsession and probably the one thing that kept me distracted from packing was GLEEE!!!!
Everytime I watch the show, i wonder where the hell the idea of a Glee club was when I was in high school and if having a club where all the weird quarky people got together would have made a difference for me, when I was stuck in a place where nothing made much sense. Trying to fit a square into a circle can definately sum up my entire high school existance. I mean isn't all your trying to do as you grow up just fit in?? You wear the cool clothes that your friends do, listen to the same music and like the same things even boys. As I looked through old year books all I could think was, WHO THE HELL LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THAT or WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME THAT SHORT HAIR WAS NOT MENT FOR CHUBBY PEOPLE!!!!!...although I must admit that while I definately had my share of weird hair styles and clothes, they don't compare to some of the other styles I have seen people rock back in the day, lol (mhmm, long hair and spikey head bands DO NOT work on guys..lol).
None the less, this trip down memory lane definately made packing all that more interesting and left me wondering whether or not I had any regrets?!?! I mean were there things I wish I hadn't done or done ?? Of course...but as I continued to contemplate the idea of regret, I began to unpack the boxes and lay things out in my new condo. And in the midst of trying on clothes and doing the debate as to whether to keep them or not, this question came to my mind...
"Had I done anything differently, would I be where I am right now?"
And the answer is that there is a huge likelyhood that I wouldn't be...and for that small percentage of a possibility all the possible regrets left my mind. High school is all about making mistakes, much like each episode on glee spells out. So all the mistakes that I made were worth it becuase as much as I wish I could go back to the goood old times, life is pretty damn good right now and i am enjoying each new adventure..so why trade it? Or risk not being where I am now? Thoughts?!?!?!?
With that, I will leave you all with my top 10 high school memories, in no particular order (and likely the list is longer, but for the sake of your sanity I will leave it at 10)...ENJOOOY :)
1. Student Council elections that were filled of embarressing photo's, posters and campaign speeches. And while I spent the beginning of high school searching for the cool slogan to be used, I think I can say it was founnnnnd by the end:
" If youuuuu wannnna parrtyyy, then vottte for Arti, WOOOOOOOO"
2. Singing "Hey Mr. DJ" with Aliiicia just to get out of Science class early...clearrrly back then my science teacher didnt believe I was tone deaf and thought I sounded half decent...lol
3. The all-night conversations on ICQ, that introduced the idea of "boys" to my parents...lol..little did they know that through my new found male friendships they toooo would find best friends...lol.. exhibit 1 - Harry & Shakti, wldn't you agree Navin??
4. Being ridiculed as a "niner" by the OAC boys, who would later pick me up at night clubs and sware I was wifey material...TOOO BAD they got fat and grew pimples and I got skinnier and better looking...lol...
5. Falling in love with someone I believe to still be one of the most beautiful people I will ever know, lucky for me a bond that unique left me with a friendship that will last a lifetime :)
6. The Montreal grad trip....lol...CLEARLY the first night was the best and needless to say the name "so quick" will for ever stiiick...I think its when I finally became the circle that fit into a circle, if you know what i mean :P
7. Trying liquer for the first time, and having to do it all BY MYSELF in the student councel office as all my friends met in some park to share cooool drinks like rev as I set up for the dance...needless to say I wish I had drank rev instead of the shot bottles of JD :S
8. Weird high school teacher freak -outs :
a. Mr. Titus screaming that it was his birthday and we were all being assholes to him...lol
b. Mr. Tetzleff telling all the asian kids who wouldn't stop speaking in chinese to F Off...literally
9. Havin Brian Barker walk into random classes screaming out my nickkk nammmmme "RDDDDUUUUUUU" and realizing that the name would stick for life...lol.THANKS FRANCIE...LOL
10. Playing on the girls basketball team, even if it lasted what seemed like a minute, lol..I began to grow horizontally as everyone grew vertically..clearly I was going in the wrong direction, lol.
And thats that..there are definately more and i would be lying if I wasnt sitting at my computer giggling about the many more..all I can say is all the good are still around and their pieces of them all over my condo :)
Til next time, which will be soooooner, rather then later
-A
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Not a moment too soon, but just a little too late....
I have been sitting here for days, trying to figure out how to write what I want to write. In the midst of the chaos of my life I feel like it has come to a complete stand still on more levels than one. I get that feeling that you get when you wanna scream soo loud that it stops time, but yet I cant seem to even let myself stop for long enough to let that happen....
So why suddenly has this feeling come over me? And why does it continue to weigh me like more than a tonne of bricks?
As most of you know I coach students, well really adult professionals through the CA process. Its something I take great pride in and is a responsibility that weighs on me more then the job that actually pays. So back in January I was introduced to a girl from my former firm who had just failed the first of these 3 crazy exams for the third time. With the pressure of the potential job loss that could come with a 4th failure, the feeling of a loss of confidence and ability and the utter frustration of what more could she do, we were connected. And much like any relationship over the past few months it has grown into a very trusting one. A quite girl whom I never expected to just come out of her shell and reach out for help, suddenly depended on me more then most of my students ever had....
So her study leave approached and we solidifed a schedule and a check in protocal and forward she marched on more confident then ever. Then suddenly I recieved a call from her last week Wednesday and it was from the minute she started talking that my world stood still...
Without revealing too much, here is the synopsis.....
Boy meets girl, girl meets boy its the start of high school and an amazingly young love begins to flourish. Then as high school comes to an end the two see the need to grow beyound what they have been presented in their lives and move to North America. Him to Florida and Her to Toronto. The aches, pains, struggles and growing pains bring the two together but also seperate them as they begin the on and off cycle that most relationships undergo...as I have begun to learn...Needless to say years pass and the cycle continues...and suddenly after going through an off phase that has lasted months and months, the two are reconnected through a simple phone call. It is here the cycle can start again, only she puts her foot down and screams and yells for all the ups, downs and hurts that he has caused. They end the call and She goes back to think...within days she realizes where her heart lies and as she plans to call him to tell him everything on his birthday as a suprise, She recieves a call....and this is where it ends...
Because as She anxiously awaited his birthday to open her heart and reveal her feelings...he had drown to death in a Florida water way and will now never be there to pick up that call....
I can't even begin to explain the feelings I feel. And while my heart hurts for her more than anything else, my mind is racing with questions.
I mean is life as long as we consider it to be? And how much future planning can we do, if really our time here on what we call earth is clicking away like a time bomb??On top of that, for how long must we follow those relationship rules of playing games and not letting anyone in? At what point do we break freee and add a little bit of unrealism to our actions??
I mean at what point do we let our ego's stop driving us and just do what we want to do with out fear, with out question and with out regret. I mean what if you waited soo long just to let it all out, only to realize that there would be no one on the other end - and not becuase they are in another relationship, but becuase they are no longer there...
Not to sound dramatic but the reality is, it could be true for all you know...if 2morrow never came would stupid exams, jobs, and things like money ever really matter as much as love, life and family?
In that one phone call I recieved last week, I came to realize what I loved about teaching and that was that my studentst taught me more about life and love then any corporate type job could ever give me. And its all these lessons that make me better, stronger and wiser...
And with that I leave you with this ...
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
If life is stronger, that just means you need to keep living enough to make those memories last a lifetime...
-A
So why suddenly has this feeling come over me? And why does it continue to weigh me like more than a tonne of bricks?
As most of you know I coach students, well really adult professionals through the CA process. Its something I take great pride in and is a responsibility that weighs on me more then the job that actually pays. So back in January I was introduced to a girl from my former firm who had just failed the first of these 3 crazy exams for the third time. With the pressure of the potential job loss that could come with a 4th failure, the feeling of a loss of confidence and ability and the utter frustration of what more could she do, we were connected. And much like any relationship over the past few months it has grown into a very trusting one. A quite girl whom I never expected to just come out of her shell and reach out for help, suddenly depended on me more then most of my students ever had....
So her study leave approached and we solidifed a schedule and a check in protocal and forward she marched on more confident then ever. Then suddenly I recieved a call from her last week Wednesday and it was from the minute she started talking that my world stood still...
Without revealing too much, here is the synopsis.....
Boy meets girl, girl meets boy its the start of high school and an amazingly young love begins to flourish. Then as high school comes to an end the two see the need to grow beyound what they have been presented in their lives and move to North America. Him to Florida and Her to Toronto. The aches, pains, struggles and growing pains bring the two together but also seperate them as they begin the on and off cycle that most relationships undergo...as I have begun to learn...Needless to say years pass and the cycle continues...and suddenly after going through an off phase that has lasted months and months, the two are reconnected through a simple phone call. It is here the cycle can start again, only she puts her foot down and screams and yells for all the ups, downs and hurts that he has caused. They end the call and She goes back to think...within days she realizes where her heart lies and as she plans to call him to tell him everything on his birthday as a suprise, She recieves a call....and this is where it ends...
Because as She anxiously awaited his birthday to open her heart and reveal her feelings...he had drown to death in a Florida water way and will now never be there to pick up that call....
I can't even begin to explain the feelings I feel. And while my heart hurts for her more than anything else, my mind is racing with questions.
I mean is life as long as we consider it to be? And how much future planning can we do, if really our time here on what we call earth is clicking away like a time bomb??On top of that, for how long must we follow those relationship rules of playing games and not letting anyone in? At what point do we break freee and add a little bit of unrealism to our actions??
I mean at what point do we let our ego's stop driving us and just do what we want to do with out fear, with out question and with out regret. I mean what if you waited soo long just to let it all out, only to realize that there would be no one on the other end - and not becuase they are in another relationship, but becuase they are no longer there...
Not to sound dramatic but the reality is, it could be true for all you know...if 2morrow never came would stupid exams, jobs, and things like money ever really matter as much as love, life and family?
In that one phone call I recieved last week, I came to realize what I loved about teaching and that was that my studentst taught me more about life and love then any corporate type job could ever give me. And its all these lessons that make me better, stronger and wiser...
And with that I leave you with this ...
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
If life is stronger, that just means you need to keep living enough to make those memories last a lifetime...
-A
Monday, April 12, 2010
me, the mountains. a white robe and WHAT?!!? NO CELL PHONE!!!
Yes thats right, you read the title correctly :) After much debate of where to go, what to do and who to do this all with, I decided on my wkend getaway destination. Realizing the shortness of a wkend and the chaos of a beach vacation, I decided to stay in Cowtown this wkend, as a piece of home flew in to join me. The two of us set out in a mini van lent to me by my amazing family to Banff for a much needed wkend full of nothing but R&R and bonding off course.
Driving along the 1, made me realize just how much I love long road trips, especially along scenic routes like this one. Being surrounded by the rockies, blasting some MJ and singing on the top of my lungs only describes the amazingness that this wkend became. And if that doesnt say it all , maybe this will - wkend highlights - many good eats, followed by a full spa day at the fairmont willow stream spa in Banff, followed by strolling through the hotel in white robes, followed by lots of laughing and bonding, followed by more breath taking views and again lots more good eats..WOOOW...
So while this wkend was one full of many firsts (i.e. hot tubs outside - AMAZING!), it also included a new routine I have begun to put myself in....Utter disconnection. No computer and ready for this ...NO CELL PHONE :) Over the past few months I have gotten into such a habit of shutting my phone off for days on end and leaving it in places I cant even remember and this wkend was definately no exception to this routine. I shut my phone off friday and to this moment as I write it still sits off in my suit case....
Utter disconnection, have you ever tried it???
Everyone knows me as the girl that is always reachable, always there when you need it and always willing to drop it all for anyone who needs it. My heart is abundant and my thoughts and worries are always consumed for other people. But as the months have gone by, I have come to realize how much I sacrifice for other people, and everytime I chose to disconnect, I am making a choice for me. And while I must admit the first few times felt akwardly uncomfortable, I have absolutely come to love the concept...
Especially since those that need to reach me will and further turning on your phone after days of being off is always full of nice suprises and glowing reminders that you are missed and appreciated. The ART OF LEARNING HOW TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS I guess I would call it.
Because not only do those who miss me seem to wonder if my phone is broken when I dont return a text right away, I also realize in those few short days who I cant wait to message at the flick of the on button on my phone...
The question now I leave you all with in my complete relaxed state...when was the last time you said Thank you, I love you, I miss you, or HELLLLO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU...to those you care for most?
Things may not always need to be said as we know through the coin phrase "actions speak lounder then words" but sometimes things need to be said..if at least once since assumptions, especially good ones are rarely made...that and the fact remains that utter disconnection means thinking, which means responses expected may never again be recieved....
Dreaming of the rockies and my plush white robe, write soon
-A
Driving along the 1, made me realize just how much I love long road trips, especially along scenic routes like this one. Being surrounded by the rockies, blasting some MJ and singing on the top of my lungs only describes the amazingness that this wkend became. And if that doesnt say it all , maybe this will - wkend highlights - many good eats, followed by a full spa day at the fairmont willow stream spa in Banff, followed by strolling through the hotel in white robes, followed by lots of laughing and bonding, followed by more breath taking views and again lots more good eats..WOOOW...
So while this wkend was one full of many firsts (i.e. hot tubs outside - AMAZING!), it also included a new routine I have begun to put myself in....Utter disconnection. No computer and ready for this ...NO CELL PHONE :) Over the past few months I have gotten into such a habit of shutting my phone off for days on end and leaving it in places I cant even remember and this wkend was definately no exception to this routine. I shut my phone off friday and to this moment as I write it still sits off in my suit case....
Utter disconnection, have you ever tried it???
Everyone knows me as the girl that is always reachable, always there when you need it and always willing to drop it all for anyone who needs it. My heart is abundant and my thoughts and worries are always consumed for other people. But as the months have gone by, I have come to realize how much I sacrifice for other people, and everytime I chose to disconnect, I am making a choice for me. And while I must admit the first few times felt akwardly uncomfortable, I have absolutely come to love the concept...
Especially since those that need to reach me will and further turning on your phone after days of being off is always full of nice suprises and glowing reminders that you are missed and appreciated. The ART OF LEARNING HOW TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS I guess I would call it.
Because not only do those who miss me seem to wonder if my phone is broken when I dont return a text right away, I also realize in those few short days who I cant wait to message at the flick of the on button on my phone...
The question now I leave you all with in my complete relaxed state...when was the last time you said Thank you, I love you, I miss you, or HELLLLO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU...to those you care for most?
Things may not always need to be said as we know through the coin phrase "actions speak lounder then words" but sometimes things need to be said..if at least once since assumptions, especially good ones are rarely made...that and the fact remains that utter disconnection means thinking, which means responses expected may never again be recieved....
Dreaming of the rockies and my plush white robe, write soon
-A
Thursday, April 8, 2010
why, why & why?!?!?
So clearly I did one of the hottest yoga classes EVER today. Jesus the teacher wasn't kidding when she said the side of the room i practised on was worse then a sauna. As I attempted to hold onto my downward dog, i began to let my mind wander a bit...preciously to the thought WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TOO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!?
I mean seriously, the room must be 185 degrees, i cant breath, my heart is beating as if it will come out my chest, my clothes are drenched and sticking to me and ALL the while this is suppose to be relaxing??? REALLLY?!?!!?!?...
But then as I lay there in shivasana I begin to realize that quite oftenly we do things we dont understand and the why's behind our actions all just become unanswered questions that remain.
So why? why do we do things that we cant explain to not only the general public but to ourselves? Is it all based on that inner feeling called "intuition" or is it fear that we act out of? I wonder...especially as I sit in this make shift Calgary apartment and think about the path I am treading on that has an ending I can see, but no guarantee it will be the fairy tale ending I hope for.
And the truth is I don't know why and cant even begin to explain why I at least do half the things I do. I mean I am a 28 year old woman who seems to love like I have never been hurt, yet I come from a long list of experiences that only involve being burned...so why I ask myself everyday..WHY, WHY, WHY?!?! Why do I keep doing it, only to have experiences that seem to continuously add to that list?
And I know I am not alone. I know there are a million girls, guys and inbetweens like me. And i can't begin to answer for everyone else. But for me at least I have it narrowed down to the way Gege put it in "he's just not that into you"...For every try you get closer or you hope that you do..
And that I think applies to everything in anyone's life..you never really give up becuase you believe if you try hard enough you will succeed.
And I think the more willing you are to try or push proves just how committed you are to that path of succession. Does it make sence??
Sooo for now as I sign off and attempt to recuperate from tonites yoga class, I think to myself why give up, when i know anything else just illustrates settling...which only means that I gotta continue to hope and believe and SUCKKK IT UP through the hard timmes....
FAWWWK! ...lol
-Arti
I mean seriously, the room must be 185 degrees, i cant breath, my heart is beating as if it will come out my chest, my clothes are drenched and sticking to me and ALL the while this is suppose to be relaxing??? REALLLY?!?!!?!?...
But then as I lay there in shivasana I begin to realize that quite oftenly we do things we dont understand and the why's behind our actions all just become unanswered questions that remain.
So why? why do we do things that we cant explain to not only the general public but to ourselves? Is it all based on that inner feeling called "intuition" or is it fear that we act out of? I wonder...especially as I sit in this make shift Calgary apartment and think about the path I am treading on that has an ending I can see, but no guarantee it will be the fairy tale ending I hope for.
And the truth is I don't know why and cant even begin to explain why I at least do half the things I do. I mean I am a 28 year old woman who seems to love like I have never been hurt, yet I come from a long list of experiences that only involve being burned...so why I ask myself everyday..WHY, WHY, WHY?!?! Why do I keep doing it, only to have experiences that seem to continuously add to that list?
And I know I am not alone. I know there are a million girls, guys and inbetweens like me. And i can't begin to answer for everyone else. But for me at least I have it narrowed down to the way Gege put it in "he's just not that into you"...For every try you get closer or you hope that you do..
And that I think applies to everything in anyone's life..you never really give up becuase you believe if you try hard enough you will succeed.
And I think the more willing you are to try or push proves just how committed you are to that path of succession. Does it make sence??
Sooo for now as I sign off and attempt to recuperate from tonites yoga class, I think to myself why give up, when i know anything else just illustrates settling...which only means that I gotta continue to hope and believe and SUCKKK IT UP through the hard timmes....
FAWWWK! ...lol
-Arti
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
At The Bottom all over again....
Is life a constant struggle of trying to get to the top, only to start at the bottom again? I mean we work through elementary school, high school and uni/college just to be the glorified senior for a year, which is then followed by a struggle to get to the top all over again. Or is it not just a struggle, but rather a constant learning curve that we all must continue to face?
Being in africa a few months ago and envisioning my life, never really included the feelings that I feel now. Life in the past few months have gone at a complete fast pace that has me finally catching my breath only to wonder what did I get myself into? I knew what I wanted and I set out for it and for the first time EVER i just never hit any struggles to get those things, and then I start living the job the past few weeks only to realize finally today that the real catch is...
If the struggle doesn't come in getting to what it is you want, it comes after you get what you want....
And that can apply to so many things in my life at this exact moment as I struggle to get the one thing I have always wanted and at the same time struggle with the things that just seemed to come soo easily the past while...lets stick to the later for now...
Being back at the bottom on the job isn't the greatest feeling...I get bossed around, told what to do, assigned tasks that make you wonder if this is what you spend all these years studying for and at the end of the day come home feeling completely beaten, exhausted and feeling like I just want to give up. I mean what does any of what I do really matter at the end of the day? Besides the fact that it is paying the bills?
And I get it, nothing comes with out struggle, BUT REALLY? even at 50 when i change jobs will it be like this? I thought I was suppose to be climbing up the corporate ladder and not feeling like I can't even see the top...
This week and the few weeks that have lead up to now have been full of some serious comic relief, tears and serious stress. Its reminded me of my first year in Audit and continues to make me think whether I have really learned anything all these years or not?? Let's just take a peak at some of the things that will likely make you laugh about my flightyness on the job:
1. Split tea all over my lap top...right before I was to have a meeting with two stream leads...in front of them...
2. Complain about my manager to my coach through communicator...only to realize after not hearing a response that I had really messaged my manager, a list of what I really thought of him..... Thankfully his computer sat unattended and I just managed to press the hard reset :)
3. Get told 15 minutes before a meeting that the client lead wont be attending, and get told 5 minutes after the meeting that the manager to step in can not be located....which means I am left to lead, only I had no moderator code and about 30 people waiting on the line for the "meeting" to start, talk about serious anxiety sweat stains...lol...
Those have to be my top three's for now...becuase seriously writing anymore would likely cause me to be depressed all over again about how I really indirectly asked for alll this...
I just ask this before I sign off....
If there was no struggle, if we could get things as easily as we wanted and there was no struggle there after, would we still want the things we want?? Or is it the struggle, the heart ache, and the challenge that keeps us going??
I wonder I really do, thoughts?
-A
Being in africa a few months ago and envisioning my life, never really included the feelings that I feel now. Life in the past few months have gone at a complete fast pace that has me finally catching my breath only to wonder what did I get myself into? I knew what I wanted and I set out for it and for the first time EVER i just never hit any struggles to get those things, and then I start living the job the past few weeks only to realize finally today that the real catch is...
If the struggle doesn't come in getting to what it is you want, it comes after you get what you want....
And that can apply to so many things in my life at this exact moment as I struggle to get the one thing I have always wanted and at the same time struggle with the things that just seemed to come soo easily the past while...lets stick to the later for now...
Being back at the bottom on the job isn't the greatest feeling...I get bossed around, told what to do, assigned tasks that make you wonder if this is what you spend all these years studying for and at the end of the day come home feeling completely beaten, exhausted and feeling like I just want to give up. I mean what does any of what I do really matter at the end of the day? Besides the fact that it is paying the bills?
And I get it, nothing comes with out struggle, BUT REALLY? even at 50 when i change jobs will it be like this? I thought I was suppose to be climbing up the corporate ladder and not feeling like I can't even see the top...
This week and the few weeks that have lead up to now have been full of some serious comic relief, tears and serious stress. Its reminded me of my first year in Audit and continues to make me think whether I have really learned anything all these years or not?? Let's just take a peak at some of the things that will likely make you laugh about my flightyness on the job:
1. Split tea all over my lap top...right before I was to have a meeting with two stream leads...in front of them...
2. Complain about my manager to my coach through communicator...only to realize after not hearing a response that I had really messaged my manager, a list of what I really thought of him..... Thankfully his computer sat unattended and I just managed to press the hard reset :)
3. Get told 15 minutes before a meeting that the client lead wont be attending, and get told 5 minutes after the meeting that the manager to step in can not be located....which means I am left to lead, only I had no moderator code and about 30 people waiting on the line for the "meeting" to start, talk about serious anxiety sweat stains...lol...
Those have to be my top three's for now...becuase seriously writing anymore would likely cause me to be depressed all over again about how I really indirectly asked for alll this...
I just ask this before I sign off....
If there was no struggle, if we could get things as easily as we wanted and there was no struggle there after, would we still want the things we want?? Or is it the struggle, the heart ache, and the challenge that keeps us going??
I wonder I really do, thoughts?
-A
Sunday, March 28, 2010
All the way to Carribean and back, reallly :)
What a week!!! This week I was reminded of what it was like to be back at the bottom again. Leaving PwC in a position of "Running the show" so to speak and heading to deloitte to be named "spread sheet coordinator" on a multi-million dollar engagement isn't exactly what I had in mind. Work has officially consumed my life and left me feeling like my first year in audit, where I wanted to run to the bathroom every day and cry my eyes out in utter frustration of not understanding a damn thing...
The crazy nightmares of work stress have started to follow me and my mind feels constantly occupied by the what ifs of not meeting a deadline or two. And while I know I asked for this change so I could be mentally stimulated as they say. REALLY, LIKE REALLY!!!! IS THAT WHAT WORK WILL BE LIKE FOREVER?!!?!? All I could think about this past week is how I would rather be taunted by the teachers at St. Florence and have an amazing day job, then be sitting in a board room all alone, contemplating whether to start screaming, crying or hanging myself from the projector cord :S
Luckily, as a birthday gift to myself ( onne of the many of course) I got to head off to the spa for the afternoon today. I went to the aveda spa and yorkdale for the caribbean body treatment that promises to take you to the carribean and back for the few hours you are there...annnd boy werrre they COMPLETELY ACCURATE.
EVERYONE, and I MEAN EVERYONE needs to go in for one of these treatments! It was a fabulous 2.5 hours that left me walking out of the spa not remembering where i was, what day it was and what time of year or day it was. For today I got to leave work and every other kind of stress behind and just escape and it was absolutely phenomenal....
After today I will add to my wish list of things I would love to have:
1. Personal hair stylist
2. Personal make-up artist
3. Cleaning person (well just to vaccumm becuase I HATE IT!)
4. PERSONAL RMT, so that everyday I can come home and feel like I live in the caribbean :)
Soo clearly I just would like to wake up, have someone get my face and hair ready whille i sleep sitting up, and come home to a clean house, and an RMT that could take me back to the carribeann, is that sooo hard to ask for!?!?!? I mean, i am still willing to cook so isnt that a good thing?!!?!?!?...lol
In a perffect world I tell you, a perfect world ;)
Up in the air for now, write sooon
-A
The crazy nightmares of work stress have started to follow me and my mind feels constantly occupied by the what ifs of not meeting a deadline or two. And while I know I asked for this change so I could be mentally stimulated as they say. REALLY, LIKE REALLY!!!! IS THAT WHAT WORK WILL BE LIKE FOREVER?!!?!? All I could think about this past week is how I would rather be taunted by the teachers at St. Florence and have an amazing day job, then be sitting in a board room all alone, contemplating whether to start screaming, crying or hanging myself from the projector cord :S
Luckily, as a birthday gift to myself ( onne of the many of course) I got to head off to the spa for the afternoon today. I went to the aveda spa and yorkdale for the caribbean body treatment that promises to take you to the carribean and back for the few hours you are there...annnd boy werrre they COMPLETELY ACCURATE.
EVERYONE, and I MEAN EVERYONE needs to go in for one of these treatments! It was a fabulous 2.5 hours that left me walking out of the spa not remembering where i was, what day it was and what time of year or day it was. For today I got to leave work and every other kind of stress behind and just escape and it was absolutely phenomenal....
After today I will add to my wish list of things I would love to have:
1. Personal hair stylist
2. Personal make-up artist
3. Cleaning person (well just to vaccumm becuase I HATE IT!)
4. PERSONAL RMT, so that everyday I can come home and feel like I live in the caribbean :)
Soo clearly I just would like to wake up, have someone get my face and hair ready whille i sleep sitting up, and come home to a clean house, and an RMT that could take me back to the carribeann, is that sooo hard to ask for!?!?!? I mean, i am still willing to cook so isnt that a good thing?!!?!?!?...lol
In a perffect world I tell you, a perfect world ;)
Up in the air for now, write sooon
-A
Sunday, March 21, 2010
28 years younger...
Oh biiirthdays how I love theee, esppecially when they include TONNES of birthday cake :) Its official I'm 28 years old, not a grey hair in site, no extra wrinkles, only just a HELLLL OF a lot wiser and definately a little bit more Bonkers...lol
Another week o celebrations for the books, that doesnt seem to be ending...but hey I am willing to ride out these birthday celebrations FOOOOR AS LONNNG AS THEY CARRE TO CONTINUE :)
In dedication to all the amazing people in my life who have so far made this one of the best birthdays yet, here is a bit of recap of everything, along with some lesssons learnt, ennjjoy :)
1. Girl bonding/talk NEVER gets old and only gets better and better when you combine 6 CRAZIE girls with a lot of bday cake and clearly not a lot of sleep. Birthday cake 1, mhmmm dairy queen GOOTTTTA love it, almost as much as I love each of my Craziessss...PS. Crazieee AKWARD is still up for debate :P
2. Retail Therapy is alwayyys amazing around your birthday because clearly you can buy whatever you want becuase well helllo ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY :) Soo all i gots to say is love the new coat, bag, scarf, clothes and definately the barrett :P, hey i think its fine that I took a week away from thinking about household appliances that are the bain of my existance and spent a bit on me :)
3. Clearly SPA days are required for everyone, I am just shocked that the spa didnt press charges when I demanded a saturday booking and said it was a MENTAL HEALTH emergency, lol...maybe its a good thing I have to wait now til next week.
4. GOOD MUSIC is undeniablly what I miss most about having not been out in ages...clearly when you stay in for long periods of time going out becomes an ALL day event that creates severe ants in your pants syndrome, along with the need to let out every annoying embarressing dance you have been doing in your room since your last outing...lol
5. Drinking which I did since my birthday was a "special occassion" has lost its buzzz for me...especially since i realized that i basically act the same way sober, as I do when I am under the influence...thankfully I was good at "passing drinks on" and disguising gin with water ...mayybe I should have been crazyyy sneaker :) Less of an awful morning and more of an enjoyable day, means I am still in line with weeding out the alcohol.
6. My shoes, dont always hurt my feet, I actually just really LOVVVE being barefoot and am completely okay with being the crazie with no shoes. Plus the way I see it, for every thing I take off - i.e. my shoes, it gives me a hall pass to take something off someone, which can explain my new obsession of stealing peoples accesories - i.e. glasses, hats, scarves...lol
7. Birthdays ARE better left to be spent with only those you truely care about and literally complete your life. And while I know the persons I wish could have been there but werent, I still gotta say that I AM ONNNNE PRETTY LUCKY GIRLLL, who is definately beyound loved..
8. BIRTHDAY COOOKING is my new favorite thing, and I love that it stands for mom bonding, dad loving and famillly eating :) mhmmmmmm ps. thanks martha stewart for sommmme seriously good tips!
9. Without fail my mom and dad always write a card that leaves me with birthday tears...Thank God they just always have the ice cream cake readddy to deal with the emotions...
10. I always said that this year I would celebrate at my own place and have everyone over for a BIGGGGG home cooked meal...well clearly that didnt happen, but at least I know I can say it about next year AND KNOOOOOOW that it will happpen :) T-minus 1 month!!!!!
Thats that for now..all I gotta say b4 I bounce is that again I am one lucky lady and while I have lost a few great friends over the years, the ones that surround me now are definately the cream of the crop and the ones that LOVE ME FOR ME, and realize that respect and appreciation go a long way...
Here's to never losing site of the good for another year to come..
-A
Another week o celebrations for the books, that doesnt seem to be ending...but hey I am willing to ride out these birthday celebrations FOOOOR AS LONNNG AS THEY CARRE TO CONTINUE :)
In dedication to all the amazing people in my life who have so far made this one of the best birthdays yet, here is a bit of recap of everything, along with some lesssons learnt, ennjjoy :)
1. Girl bonding/talk NEVER gets old and only gets better and better when you combine 6 CRAZIE girls with a lot of bday cake and clearly not a lot of sleep. Birthday cake 1, mhmmm dairy queen GOOTTTTA love it, almost as much as I love each of my Craziessss...PS. Crazieee AKWARD is still up for debate :P
2. Retail Therapy is alwayyys amazing around your birthday because clearly you can buy whatever you want becuase well helllo ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY :) Soo all i gots to say is love the new coat, bag, scarf, clothes and definately the barrett :P, hey i think its fine that I took a week away from thinking about household appliances that are the bain of my existance and spent a bit on me :)
3. Clearly SPA days are required for everyone, I am just shocked that the spa didnt press charges when I demanded a saturday booking and said it was a MENTAL HEALTH emergency, lol...maybe its a good thing I have to wait now til next week.
4. GOOD MUSIC is undeniablly what I miss most about having not been out in ages...clearly when you stay in for long periods of time going out becomes an ALL day event that creates severe ants in your pants syndrome, along with the need to let out every annoying embarressing dance you have been doing in your room since your last outing...lol
5. Drinking which I did since my birthday was a "special occassion" has lost its buzzz for me...especially since i realized that i basically act the same way sober, as I do when I am under the influence...thankfully I was good at "passing drinks on" and disguising gin with water ...mayybe I should have been crazyyy sneaker :) Less of an awful morning and more of an enjoyable day, means I am still in line with weeding out the alcohol.
6. My shoes, dont always hurt my feet, I actually just really LOVVVE being barefoot and am completely okay with being the crazie with no shoes. Plus the way I see it, for every thing I take off - i.e. my shoes, it gives me a hall pass to take something off someone, which can explain my new obsession of stealing peoples accesories - i.e. glasses, hats, scarves...lol
7. Birthdays ARE better left to be spent with only those you truely care about and literally complete your life. And while I know the persons I wish could have been there but werent, I still gotta say that I AM ONNNNE PRETTY LUCKY GIRLLL, who is definately beyound loved..
8. BIRTHDAY COOOKING is my new favorite thing, and I love that it stands for mom bonding, dad loving and famillly eating :) mhmmmmmm ps. thanks martha stewart for sommmme seriously good tips!
9. Without fail my mom and dad always write a card that leaves me with birthday tears...Thank God they just always have the ice cream cake readddy to deal with the emotions...
10. I always said that this year I would celebrate at my own place and have everyone over for a BIGGGGG home cooked meal...well clearly that didnt happen, but at least I know I can say it about next year AND KNOOOOOOW that it will happpen :) T-minus 1 month!!!!!
Thats that for now..all I gotta say b4 I bounce is that again I am one lucky lady and while I have lost a few great friends over the years, the ones that surround me now are definately the cream of the crop and the ones that LOVE ME FOR ME, and realize that respect and appreciation go a long way...
Here's to never losing site of the good for another year to come..
-A
Thursday, March 18, 2010
When i Grow Up.....
As I mentioned the days before my birthday are causing some serious reflection on the past many years of my life. Soon to be 28 years young, doesn't seem so young and at the same time makes me understand just how quickly time can fly.
This morning as I got up and began to get ready to attack the morning grind, called work, I began to wonder about if as a kid I imagined my adult life to be as such?!?! I mean, did I really have dreams of being an aspiring consultant at deloitte?!?! Was being a CA really what made me smile when I went to bed at night?!?!?! I highly doubt that....soo how do I ask, did I end up here?! And do we all have jobs we do, but dont love, and dont quite get how we ended up at?
As I began my dreadful morning commute out to the saug, I thought about what I thought I would be when I grew up. And here is what my aged memory could remember:
1. A doctor that delivers baby - Yes thats right, I love kids so much I always wanted to be a part of bringing such tiny miracles into the world - however I think watching the birth of a baby in Grade 12 parenting, my dreams came crashing down as I realized what I would have to see along with that baby :S
2. The next Barbara Walters - Why not?!?! You get to interrogate people and meet some of the most interesting people ever. I think I would still do this...however after realizing a camera adds 10 pounds regardless of how small you are, I feel like I would need to give up some major food groups to look just right on TV...annnnd quite frankly I LOVVVE red velvet cupcakes a bit tooo much...lol
3. A Back- Up Dancer - MHMMM hello, why not?!?!!? Only I think my token moves would only make me a solo act on stage as people try to get away from me...lol..
4. A singer - While I seem to think my voice resonates beauty I think the rest of the general public would beg to differ...lol - so yea I guess I wont be the next Canadian Idol anytime soon.
5. A writer - Welll I may not have any books published now, but after getting a hint of Carrie's column in sex and the city, this blog comes as close as its going to get for now, no?!?!?!?
Thats all i could manage to piece together and while I thought about how I used to talk to my parents and family about how I would be famous and on TV one day...I realized that none of what I wanted, depicted where I have ended up...and where I have ended up for NOW...isn't where I truely now want to end up.
Which is now VERY VERY VERY VERY Clear to me...its just a matter of getting there. I bet your all wondering where?? lol, or not I can imagine for most of the general population who wonder why I chose to ramble on this thing...BUTTTT just despite you haters, I will indulge in my aspirations which have become EXTREMELY clear as of late.
Prior to my african adventure my dreams were full of getting into B school and joining the elite group of powerful business women in the world. However after being surrounded by my grade 5's at St.Florence for many weeks, I realized that the rat race was not where I wanted to be and surely wasn't how I wanted to spend my life...
The truth is there is a legacy that my grandfather began long before I was born, that I have realized since starting at Deloitte is where I should and want to be headed. It involves education, teaching and building schools and further more it erases the dreams of B Schools and expensive tuition and never being around my family and allows me to be a mother, a successful entrepreneur, an inspiration, and the final part to a legacy that needs to be continued :)
Now the question is...how do I cut the current cord holding me back?!!??! This my friends is officiallllllly TBC (to be continued ....lol)
- Arti
This morning as I got up and began to get ready to attack the morning grind, called work, I began to wonder about if as a kid I imagined my adult life to be as such?!?! I mean, did I really have dreams of being an aspiring consultant at deloitte?!?! Was being a CA really what made me smile when I went to bed at night?!?!?! I highly doubt that....soo how do I ask, did I end up here?! And do we all have jobs we do, but dont love, and dont quite get how we ended up at?
As I began my dreadful morning commute out to the saug, I thought about what I thought I would be when I grew up. And here is what my aged memory could remember:
1. A doctor that delivers baby - Yes thats right, I love kids so much I always wanted to be a part of bringing such tiny miracles into the world - however I think watching the birth of a baby in Grade 12 parenting, my dreams came crashing down as I realized what I would have to see along with that baby :S
2. The next Barbara Walters - Why not?!?! You get to interrogate people and meet some of the most interesting people ever. I think I would still do this...however after realizing a camera adds 10 pounds regardless of how small you are, I feel like I would need to give up some major food groups to look just right on TV...annnnd quite frankly I LOVVVE red velvet cupcakes a bit tooo much...lol
3. A Back- Up Dancer - MHMMM hello, why not?!?!!? Only I think my token moves would only make me a solo act on stage as people try to get away from me...lol..
4. A singer - While I seem to think my voice resonates beauty I think the rest of the general public would beg to differ...lol - so yea I guess I wont be the next Canadian Idol anytime soon.
5. A writer - Welll I may not have any books published now, but after getting a hint of Carrie's column in sex and the city, this blog comes as close as its going to get for now, no?!?!?!?
Thats all i could manage to piece together and while I thought about how I used to talk to my parents and family about how I would be famous and on TV one day...I realized that none of what I wanted, depicted where I have ended up...and where I have ended up for NOW...isn't where I truely now want to end up.
Which is now VERY VERY VERY VERY Clear to me...its just a matter of getting there. I bet your all wondering where?? lol, or not I can imagine for most of the general population who wonder why I chose to ramble on this thing...BUTTTT just despite you haters, I will indulge in my aspirations which have become EXTREMELY clear as of late.
Prior to my african adventure my dreams were full of getting into B school and joining the elite group of powerful business women in the world. However after being surrounded by my grade 5's at St.Florence for many weeks, I realized that the rat race was not where I wanted to be and surely wasn't how I wanted to spend my life...
The truth is there is a legacy that my grandfather began long before I was born, that I have realized since starting at Deloitte is where I should and want to be headed. It involves education, teaching and building schools and further more it erases the dreams of B Schools and expensive tuition and never being around my family and allows me to be a mother, a successful entrepreneur, an inspiration, and the final part to a legacy that needs to be continued :)
Now the question is...how do I cut the current cord holding me back?!!??! This my friends is officiallllllly TBC (to be continued ....lol)
- Arti
Monday, March 15, 2010
ready or not!?!?!
One week today I will be 28 years younger and one more year wiser. I find that birthdays are much like new years eve, as the day approaches you tend to look back at the year you just had and hope and wonder what great things are in store for the year ahead.
I guess that would be mean that I am for sure in a phase of reflection, only this year unlike others I find myself looking back not only at the past year but at the complete package, the complete 27 years that have gone by.
A few days ago I was chatting with a friend who said that she felt as though she had lost who she once was in the midst of a lot of the chaos that consumed her life and as we hung up the phone that thought stayed with me for the remainder of that night and the couple days that followed. And as I sit here now and began to reflect on all the time that as passed I think about how opposite of a place I am in my life then my friend.
Instead of feeling lost, I feel completely overwhelmed, because the woman I always vied to be is now the person I see when I look in the mirror and I have no idea how and when that happened, all I know is that she is now there. And as I look back I wish I could tell that 13, 16, 18, and 20 something year old I once was how amazing it all turns out. Only now, I feel like it has all happened soo fast. Like what happened to the innocent days of being 16 and being able to just live??? Now I am consumed with adult like problems like money, bills, apartment hunting, career choices, life paths, kids, marriage, a mortgage. All of which make me feel excited for the second half of my life, but completely freaked out at how it all sort of begins to just come together and then BOOM just like that you are at a point where you always imagined yourself, only instead of feeling completely excited you feel completely scared. Its almost as if you know things are just about to change and you wonder how ready you really are...
And while at 28 I know where and what I want things to look like a year from now, I wonder how ready I really am for any of it? And whether or not, its something I want, my parents want or everyone else wants more then me...
Oh boooy, like I said, whatever happened to being 16??!?!?
Leaving you with something to think about as always
- A
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Crazieess with No One buut my CRAZIIIIESSS :)
Okay, so clearly as I dodge the idea of closing my lights and being subjected to darkness or shall we say nightmares of the horror film I was subjected to today, I escape to write hoping it will allow me to get the images currently in my head OUT, so I can possibly sleep tonight....
So after months and months of being tortured by the threat of being tied down to a couch to watch a scary movie with all my girlies, I cracked and agreed to venture into the theatre with them today to watch "The Crazies". While initially I was told it was a movie that was basically the girl version of the hangover and JUST had to be seen with all of us together, I quickly realized after seeing the preview that clearly the main characters in this movie were NOT in Vegas anymore. How bad could it be I wondered?!?!?! I mean, I did sit through all the chucky movies at one point in my life and saw a list of some other scary movies sooo why not, right!?!?!
I am pretty sure I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, but then the lights went out and the movie came on and as I sat there sandwiched between all my girls waiting to get a laugh outta my reactions, I realized there was REAAALLLY NO WAY OUT!!!!! So there I was huddled behind my jacket, heart in my stomach and DRIPPPING sweat on my palms, and all the while as I watched I wondered...WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE LIKE THESE DAMN MOVIES?!?!?!
Its almost like a roller coaster when you think about it, no?!?! LIKE who loves the feeling of their stomach being in their head??!!? Much the same way of your heart beating soo hard from anxiety you may throw up or start screaming like a complete and utter maniac?!?! And further to that, when did killing people with pitchforks and chainsaws suddenly become an escape from reality!?! I thought movies were suppose to be a nice break from reality not something that made you scared to live your own damn life...
So through all my complaining I did manage to survive, and while I did manage to get a good laugh outta my girls and had a great time with them...I don't think I will be getting early tickets to the remake on nightmare on elm street which will likely make me NEVER WANT TO SLEEP AGAIN...
Sooo as I close, I ask again, why do people like these movies?!?!?!!?
Here's to hoping I manage to sleeep peacefully tonight :S
-A
Sunday, February 28, 2010
30 days later...
It's my last post about this 30 day journey which seemed to have dragged on a bit as I read the final pages of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of NOW". I have thought long and hard about this post and how I wanted to it symbolize something that I hope inspires everyone around me but at the same time sheds some light into who I really am. And while I continue to debate I know I will always want to go back and add or change something, but the reality is I must embrace the NOW and just write what comes to me. So here it goes.
As I neared the end of this book there is a story that came about that I would love to share with you all, it goes as such:
Here is the story of Banzan. Before he became a great Zen master, he spent many years in the pursuit of enlightenment, but it eluded him. Then one day, as he was walking in the marketplace, he overheard a conversation between a butcher and his customer. "Give me the best piece of meat you have, " said the customer. And the butcher replied, "Every piece of meat I have is the best. There is no piece of meat here that is not the best." Upon hearing this, Banzan became enlightened.
I can see you are waiting for some explanation, so here it is. When you accept what is, every piece of meat - every moment- is the best. And that is enlightenment.
I read that story on my way into work and actually teared up. The reality is it reminded me a lot of the people I met in Uganda, especially all my kiddies. There was a never a day I saw any of those kids cry and whine about what they didn't have, to them life was bountiful and amazing and in some ways they had all been enlightened because to them every breath was worth celebrating.
Its a lot easier said then done, this I know and trust me as I pick up the pieces in my personal life and attempt to Accept the things I can not change for now, each day seems like a struggle. Yet every time I want to lay in bed and never leave or want to step away from my desk to escape to the solitude of a bathroom stall. I work with my mind to bring me back to the NOW, to take advantage of the amazing moments I should be living.
In reality life will always have obstacles to throw your way. Things will never be perfect and the obstacles you face will only make you stronger, wiser and more aware of the love that surrounds you.
The point is that at each of these road blocks you are to take those three magical options - Leave it, Accept it or Change it - chose 1 and move forward, into the NOW. The more time you spend allowing these road blocks to consume you the more chances you have at creating more issues and pushing the ones you love or support you away.
All you have to do is decide, how you want to spend the next moment of your life, Smiling or Crying?
Thanks for sharing the journey, back to random non-emotional thoughts, promise :)
-A
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Confessions of Failure..
Now if that title doesn't grab you, what will??? The reality is I must confess that as I approach day 30 of this journey which is tomorrow, I really only lasted 26 days without any alcohol. BUT and I mean a big BUTT (much like mine, lol) I will admit that my Saturday night break down of my detox was not because I felt the need to binge drink, but it was merely in a toast to one of my closesssst girls and her newly named finance that caused me to break.
I thought quite hard about punishments for myself, including the idea of restarting my 30 days but have come to realize that based on a personal choice, for nobody but me, that I much rather like my sober self and am planning to pretty much weed out the idea of any drinking in my life period. BOLD statement I know, but for now let's just say its limited to special occassions (next in line MY BURDAY :) )
On that note, as I lay in bed on Sunday morning deciding to skip out on Yoga and sleep a bit longer instead, I started my day late, but realized HOW AMAZING the weather was for February. As I drove home, along 16th avenue and noticed the sun shining and the ice melting, I knew that skipping yoga was meant to be a chance for me to replace it with a run.
Now, for most of you who know me "run" is a cover -up for my grandma style power walking which flat feet and numerous other issues limit me to. But recently, meaning prior to this weather becoming annoying, I had substituted my power walking for running for at least the last 10 minutes of my 45-60 minute walk.
Keeping that in mind, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO idea where any of my adrenalin came from, but on Sunday it was my mission to RUN, no power walking, ONLY RUNNING...and that I did..I went through my IPOD populated my "RUNNING" list and took off, no stretching (BAD MISTAKE), i just opened the door to my house, went down the porch steps and took off and felt much like Forest I must say. I RANNNNN RANNNNN RANNN...like i have never run before, and I sang out loud, like i was crazy but enjoyed every last second of that run. My usual route now consisted of 75% running :)
Now, my legs after two days have stopped paining all over, but i must say that running like that made me feel like I was truly living in the moment, or as I have been saying in the NOW. None of the I CANT'S, I WON'Ts, ITS IMPOSSIBLES were in my head. All that was there was the sun, the amazing weather, the music and the goal I know I am working towards, and that goal is what I was running towards and has and will continue to keep me moving.
B4 I leave I wanted too leave you with a couple of things. One a quote I heard yesterday that is much like a question, I encourage you all to incorporate into your daily lives and two a listing of my running list and current driving to work play list.
1. This saying was something I got from the movie entitled "beyond the secret" which was passed onto me by someone who has truly been like a backbone to me and always leaves me wondering how and why certain relationships form (thanks V for everything :) )...but none the less the NUMBER 1 take away I got from this movie was:
"If you didn't think it was impossible, what would you do?"
Now you consider that, the next time you want to say it wont work, its not possible, etc.
2. MY SOOOONG LIST, now this I think you will all quite enjoy, here is the run down, with comments of course :
(1) Halfway gone (Lifehouse)
"You got one foot out the door, and your choking on the other, always thinking there is something more, its just around the corner"
Likely the way I have always lived my life, because of fear and only one thing has changed that for me as of now.
(2) Chemicals React (Aly& AJ)
Clearly I just love this song, but also because it just describes how I see the idea of relationships
(3) Never say Never ( The Fray)
Really, do you need to ask?? "You can NEVER say NEVER, While we don't know it"
(4) The Climb (Miley Cyrus)
Seriously don't hate, lol, I LOVVE HER! ..lol..but for reals
"The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking, sometimes might knock me down, but no I'M NOT BREAKING"
Alll i gotta say is this kid knows what she is talking about it, it is all about the climb, just think about some of the hardest things you achieved.
(5) The One (Mary J)
Mhmmmm because clearly to all my loser ex bf's I ammmmmmm the one they lost out on :P
(6) Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson)
I think the idea of this song, just really made me feel like i was running past all the things in my past that have held me from moving forward. AND YES i totally sang this outloud while running!
(7) I AM (Mary J)
Mhmmmmm again, because regardless of imperfections, I AM pretty amazing :)
(8) Forever (Chris Brown)
Wife beater or not, this song is DOPE!!!!! and was my UFE my anthem, was what I sang out driving along the PCH to San Fran and is still what gets a smile on my face :)
(9) Set the Fire to the Third Bar (Snow Patrol)
To be honest, I just like the beat of the song, no sappy emotional ties to this one just yet!
(10) I'm Gone, I'm Going (Leslie Roy)
Is my break free song of anything bad I just ever walk away from, you gotta love bitchy girl rock, lol.
ANNNND thats the list and my quote annnnd now I must rest my tired ass legs, lol. One more post to go for this 30 day journey which I am hoping will leave you al inspired and then I go back to blogging randomness that I know will be full of Interesting stories.
Til the End
-A
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
7 more days to go, lets take a look back...
Soo here I am, about 23 days into this program that I set out for myself and have pretty much decided that there a lot of things I will definately take away from this. Specifically as shocking as this may be for some, that my detox with liquer may become a rather permanent change, AND THAT is not a joke :) Seriously, we all know how dramatic I am normally, do you really think the liquer makes me anymore tolerable?...lol
Anyways with the amount of emotions that have been surrounding me the past bit, I have come to realize that living in the NOW isn't ment to be a serious emotional drain, but rather a kind of life that always has you focusing on the current moments that are suppose to resinate positivity. With that being said, there are suppose to be things that make you laugh and smile, sooo here is a summary of some of things that I have learnt that will hopefulllly make you laugh:
1. Whille living in the NOW purchases like 40 inch plasma TV's don't get thought about, YOU JUST hand over your credit card and thats that. And about 30 days later when you see your bill, you cant be mad about it becuase really you only have 3 choices - LEAVE IT, CHANGE IT & ACCEPT IT...you really can't change it, soo you just sort of have to accept it as you bang your head against the wall, lol.
2. Whille living in the NOW the weekends always seem so FAR AWAY, especially when its Monday. Because you are taking in each moment, days seeem to go ON FOREVER AND EVER and sleep just goes by that much quicker becuase your mind is EXHAUSTED.
3. Whille living in the NOW my brusie count has gone down, as I have begun to be able to actually multi task in my head - i.e. focus on going down the stairs, but eyes STILL LOOK AHEAD, so that i don't miss steps, bang into people, trip over useless objects :)
4. The idea of the secret has allowed me to make soo much sence of phrases like "when it rains it pours", but still can not make sence of how my credit card bills will turn into envelopes carrying money in them, thoughts?
5. I have literally become OBSESSSED with watching the SECRET, it continues to motivate me and I see the reality in it...I just think that everyone around me will soon come to know the boy with the bike as my best friend rather then a character from this movie, lol.
6. Little tricks and tools I have learnt to block out negative thoughts and remain surrounded by positivity -
1. SING out loud (mhmm, preferably not in public so people don't stop and point),
2. TALK yourself out of it, literally have a conversation with yourself (AGAIN definately not in public - other wise the pysch ward is the only place you will be giong),
3. Keep pictures up or around you of positive things in your life, so that whenever you feel crappy you look up and smile - make sure your photos relate to real things and do not become obsessive shrines :p,
4. most importantly - LAUGH ALWAYS :)
So thats a bit of a summary for now, I think the main thing I am beginning to see is that you just have to learn to believe and follow your gut, which means ridding of all doubts COMPLETELY. Tough to do, but no one said that getting the life you want and deserve would just come that easily.
Thanks for all the continued support, til the next update
-A
Anyways with the amount of emotions that have been surrounding me the past bit, I have come to realize that living in the NOW isn't ment to be a serious emotional drain, but rather a kind of life that always has you focusing on the current moments that are suppose to resinate positivity. With that being said, there are suppose to be things that make you laugh and smile, sooo here is a summary of some of things that I have learnt that will hopefulllly make you laugh:
1. Whille living in the NOW purchases like 40 inch plasma TV's don't get thought about, YOU JUST hand over your credit card and thats that. And about 30 days later when you see your bill, you cant be mad about it becuase really you only have 3 choices - LEAVE IT, CHANGE IT & ACCEPT IT...you really can't change it, soo you just sort of have to accept it as you bang your head against the wall, lol.
2. Whille living in the NOW the weekends always seem so FAR AWAY, especially when its Monday. Because you are taking in each moment, days seeem to go ON FOREVER AND EVER and sleep just goes by that much quicker becuase your mind is EXHAUSTED.
3. Whille living in the NOW my brusie count has gone down, as I have begun to be able to actually multi task in my head - i.e. focus on going down the stairs, but eyes STILL LOOK AHEAD, so that i don't miss steps, bang into people, trip over useless objects :)
4. The idea of the secret has allowed me to make soo much sence of phrases like "when it rains it pours", but still can not make sence of how my credit card bills will turn into envelopes carrying money in them, thoughts?
5. I have literally become OBSESSSED with watching the SECRET, it continues to motivate me and I see the reality in it...I just think that everyone around me will soon come to know the boy with the bike as my best friend rather then a character from this movie, lol.
6. Little tricks and tools I have learnt to block out negative thoughts and remain surrounded by positivity -
1. SING out loud (mhmm, preferably not in public so people don't stop and point),
2. TALK yourself out of it, literally have a conversation with yourself (AGAIN definately not in public - other wise the pysch ward is the only place you will be giong),
3. Keep pictures up or around you of positive things in your life, so that whenever you feel crappy you look up and smile - make sure your photos relate to real things and do not become obsessive shrines :p,
4. most importantly - LAUGH ALWAYS :)
So thats a bit of a summary for now, I think the main thing I am beginning to see is that you just have to learn to believe and follow your gut, which means ridding of all doubts COMPLETELY. Tough to do, but no one said that getting the life you want and deserve would just come that easily.
Thanks for all the continued support, til the next update
-A
Monday, February 15, 2010
There are really only 3 options ...
So after a few days of much needed rest, relaxation, lots of yoga and girl bonding like you have never imagined, I feel much like myself again.
The past few days have been rather interesting and while I still feel the weight in my chest that has me feeling like rest is still on the agenda, I am beginning to see a bit clearer and realize that my mind has really been trained to live like I can only see the next 200 ft in front of me. Its awesome to not be worried all the time and be stressed about the what if's of tomorrow, but its especially amazing to know that people that have known me for years and years, tell me that I am glowing and have changed quite a bit. No matter what my internal struggles are looks like I am learning to deal with them and only emit positiveness to the universe :)
So, along with this little 30 day challenge, of which of course I am more then half way through now (10 more days!!) I have had the ability to aspire many of my friends to read the Power of Now, watch the Secret (or be obsessed much like I am) and start a vision book or board of some kind. Its awesome because in moments of weakness or struggle I feel like someone turns to me with something from one of these sources that gets me back on my feet again.
So in day one of my restful period, in which I was contemplating whether to continue on this journey, I woke up to an email from someone embarking on their own little journey to remind me of a lesson taught by Eckhart Tolle which was once again read and drilled into me by my yoga teacher this morning. And the more I have thought about things, the more I am coming to see the reality behind this little lesson and how it can stop you from a whole lot of anxiety and unneeded stress.
I bet you're all wondering what it is? lol. Okay so here it is. You are going through your life as you normally would, and suddenly you reach a junction, a bad situation, a testy situation, a WTF situation, basically something that makes you want to scream WHY ME!!! What do you do? I mean what can you do?How do you erase it? How do you make the world change it?!?!? how, how, how DOES IT JUST GO THE HELL AWAY? The reality is no matter how much you try you can't really erase what's been done, all you can do is simply choose one of the 3 courses of action:
1. Leave it. - walk away, just let it be.
2. Change it. - if you have control over it, then stop whining and do something about it.
3. Accept it. - and if you have no control, face it, walk away and just BELIEVE in the things you want. I mean after all nothing we want comes that easily and without a bump or two in the road.
Its that simple and while it may seem frustrating, by choosing one of these three courses of action, you eliminate so much wasted time on being sad, depressed, and thinking NEGATIVELY. You can't control the everyday, all you can control is what you do, your actions and what you believe and at the end of the day, you just gotta keep sticking to what you believe and put it out there.
SOOOO there you have it, something small to leave you guys to think about. There really only are 3 choices and a whole lotta faith/belief in things/life you want :)
- A
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Breath...
I am taking a break from writing about my 30 day mission that at times has kept me severely overwelmed, emotional and down right exhausted. I think it all sort of caught up with me yesterday as I lay completely frozen in my bed in the morning wondering if my mind would ever tell my body to move and then just like that my mind went completely blank...
And since then I have just begun to feel the affects of how quickly I have been moving since my return from Africa. When I was away in Uganda, I use to lay awake at night and contemplate life and what I was suppose to do with it. I mean on one hand you want the money and on the other you want the happiness and one doesn't necessarily mean the other. And as time went on there I learnt to say goodbye to my attachments like my clothes, my makeup, my ipod, my blackberry and realized that the only thing I was really attached to, the only thing that really besides me kept me happiest was the people I surrounded myself with. Which was so hard for me to come to terms with.
I mean I am one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve and shows my emotions in everything I do. But any kind of relationship be it with friends, boyfriends, family has never been easy for me. My insecurities allowed me to be a doormat when I was younger and hence got taken advantage of quite a bit and as I go older and learnt to shine through my insecurities and start holding my own many people around me who had gotten use to me being one way couldn't handle the change. Then because of going through a lot of rough stints in all these relationships I began to be that person that just wanted to be everything to everyone and make sure that everyone around me was happiest because I never wanted anyone to feel the shortages or the rough points that I felt.
And while I have tried so hard to keep everyone happy around me, it has allowed me to hold back and not necessarily open up and thus allow my trust levels to stay really slim. So when I was in africa and realized what the people in my life meant for me. It meant that those walls would have to break and that I would need to start admitting to people that I wasn't perfect and that opening up was something I wanted to do forever but just let all my fears get in the way.
Which I guess in a lot of ways is why I did start this mission.
That and well this fast forward life I have been living since I have been back all help me stay occupied from thinking about how much I miss my life in Uganda and the amazingness I felt when I was in front of those group of kids and surrounded by their ability to just live. They made me want to be things I didn't ever think I wanted to be, including the idea of a mother. And it just isn't as easy as taking a flight to Cali or NYC to visit friends, its not so easily done.
And yesterday morning it all hit me, that I just needed to really do one thing that didn't include my 30 day mission, my new job, condo hunting, helping people through their problems and life stresses, being patient with the annoyances in my life and so on....
All I really need to do is....
Catch my breath.
-A
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Halfway mark, and already feeling liberated :)
"The moment you truly forgive, you have reclaimed your power from the mind. Nonforgiveness is the very nature of the mind, just as the mind-made false self the ego, can not survive without strife and conflict. The mind can not forgive. Only YOU CAN...."
This is the last thing I read out of my book this weekend, and when I did, I had to take a moment to sit back and really just realize how true this statement really is. Its been a week since my last post and the truth is besides the fact that it has been a crazy week of settling into a new job, after doing what I promised in my last post which was to write letters to those people/events in my past that I needed to forgive, I needed sometime to recover from all the emotions entangled in doing such a task.
A very emotional sunday night, followed by work & life craziness left me in blankets between both the TV & this book all weekend. I needed sometime to recover and realize that I had and have forgiven and forgotten the past. Those moments that kept stopping me from moving forward are just events of the past that no longer effect my mind. I feel like in many ways a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I have one less issue to drag me down from enjoying the days I have been given.
After taking some time to reflect this wkend, I realized that I have actually begun to live in the now and while I have yet to rid the stresses that I anticipate during the day, I have learned to just see each day as it is, instead of just anticipating future days and events so that happiness can arrive. Its kind of a liberating experience and I am beginning to feel so focused and positive about the things I want that the worries of things that stopped me from being soo focused before have begun to dissipate.
Also I would love to report that while in week 2 of being liquer free, I have enjoyed a few nights out, a basketball game and random chilling with out drinking and have actually begun to enjoy the effects of the lack of liquer...you know the money you save, the lack of feeling crappy the next day, the ability to really enjoy your friends company instead of forgetting the moments and most importantly, I love that it just makes me feel that much more healthier and active about my life. So now I wonder if this is actually a lifetime commitment I may be able to make..mhmmm, to debate perhaps :)
Soo as I am half way through this journey and beginning to feel liberated in my ways, my next issue is this. How do you tell the universe or put out to the universe that you are focused, full of belief and positivity, but yet are still saddened by day to day events and moments that you need to endure?
Because that's my current struggle while a certain situation in my life isn't what i wish at this moment, i do believe, yet it doesn't really rid the day to day sadness of it all, so how I ask do I deal with that?!?!??! Any hints or tips? Because while I can remain happy and positive, I am only human and still hurt and get sad when things aren't what they really should be....
Hoping this book, or one of you has an answer
- A
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Its been 8 days and world of change..
I won't lie and say that this first week has been amzing because really it hasn't been. Life is tough when you are trying to face the things that bring you down and rid them in your life. Its a cautious effort you have to make that sometimes gets the best of you.
Soo this week while difficult was extremely eventful. I left my job of 4.5 years a place that likely made me feel as though life as I thought it to be when I graduated from University was not really real life or representative of things that I wanted. On the last day of my job, I was faced with the one part of my grueling past I find the hardest to overcome and was actually extremely unaffected. Unaffected in the sense that I just knew I was where I was meant to be regardless of how much I could have wanted certain things before. And lastly, after dealing with the overwelming feelings of the week, I took my first ever ME day. I shut my Blackberry off, and enjoyed a massage, a hair apt and a nail apt all with just focusing and enjoying each moment for me and it was INCREDIBLE.
While the weekend hasn't served to be the best like my friday, I was fortunate to be lent the video "the secret" today. I had boughten the book a couple years ago and could never really get it or understand it and while watching the movie today, I realized that I wasn't ment to get it at that moment, because those things that I thought i believed were not really what was good for me. The movie hit home, and it ties very nicely to the power of NOW, so much so that I am actually adding to the visual book I started and continuing down the path that I am focused on remidiating.
Watching the movie inspired me to do something that I have wanted to do for awhile, after I was told the idea, which is to write letters to the people or things or ideas in your past that hinder you from moving forward. So tonight that is task number 1 and task number 2 is to add to my visual book and really start believing in the things that i deserve.
As I leave you with my update, I just wanna leave you with two thoughts that will likely inspire this weeks blogs.
"Energy flows, where attention goes"
"Focus on what you want, and not what you don't want"
Here's to living in the Now for Now :)
- A
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
pg. 85 on day 3...and nearly brought to tears...
"Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. Its a mental phantom"
Thats how page 85 of this book started. I walked into the subway at Union sat down and started at this thought. I wondered if people were watching me, because after reading just this paragraph I felt like I was grasping for air. The truth is, as much as I don't ever want to admit it, this is usually how my mind works. I mean I jump into a lot of things, and just do without thinking a lot. But its usually just when I am faced with this new challenge my mind begins to race. Its like I could make myself sick with worry at times.....nooooo wonder I have ulcers :S
The what if's have subsided from the level at which they used to be, but none the less they still exist. And being where I am right now...2 days away from my last day at PwC and just 5 days away from the start of a new job at a new firm, in a new environment...My mind is racing...what if I did make the wrong choice, what if I sacrificed one thing for another, what if??!?!?!...I feel like I haven't had a single moment to be excited about the new journey I am starting because I am consumed with fear in so many aspects. And while I know the majority of it is because its this unknown, it doesn't lesson the worry.
But as I said I would try to LIVE IN THE NOW...soo as I continued reading through page 85, it said to train yourself to ask yourself "what problem you have RIGHT NOW", not 5 minutes from now, not an hour from now, or 5 days from now...RIGHT NOW....and the truth is while I could think of a couple, none of them are really problems, they are just what if situations based on predicaments I am in right now...
Sooo i breathed and tried to talk myself outta my anxiety...annnnnnnnnnnnnnd i still am....lol
One day at a time right, hello its only day 3 i'm not suppose to be perfect yet :)
- A
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 2 of 30 and already bruised up...Literallly!
Soo i won't lie that I had started reading this book the Power of Now, last week...which is likely better for all of you, since the first week of reading and realizing the commitment I had to make was the hardest and likely the most emotional of it all....
Soo now that I have dealt with some of the emotions, I am thinking a lot clearer and definately feeling a lot more focused. This book talks about how the past and future are all this illusion, meaning the idea of "time" is an illusion and that all that really matters is the present moment, which we never really enjoy becuase it every minute of everyday we are never just thinking of NOW, but rather of whats to come or what came before. And becuase we are soo focused on these two idea's of the past and future we never really just take each moment in and enjoy or experience them....
I don't know how much I believe you can totally just live in the moment and never think of the future but as I skimmed forward a bit I realized that he gets to the idea of practical vs. psychological aspects of time...mhmm I can't wait :S
Okay getting back to this idea of living in the moment, he talks about the idea of focusing and always thinking about what you are doing and the means essentially to the end. So for example from the moment you get up in the morning you begin thinking of the stresses of the day to come and he says to stop that and instead focus on the idea of making it into the office. I mean since the idea of getting up and getting ready is to get to that end point the office. Its similar to the idea of climbing a flight of stairs and instead of thinking what comes after you get to the top, you only focus on getting to the top...
Sooooo I am trying this idea out, and I am positive this will cause for some laughs as people attempt to visualize just how crazie I must look, lol. Okay soo i am a victim to waking up first thing in the morning and having my mind already racing, so now I am attempting to do what the book says, stay focused, think of the idea of a means to an end.
So, this morning I get up...focus as I get ready and end up spending more then usual since I am concentrating so hard... I finally leave the house and drive to the subway station, get outta my car and begin the treck to the subway platform. Now all I am thinking is "MUST GET TO OFFICE"...soo there is nothing relaxed about my approach instead I am staring straight into some empty idea of the office and rushing through everything to get there..soo in the process, I trip over my own foot (DONT ASK!) and almost go tumbling down the steps, save myself just in time to run down the steps and miss a couple and almost fall flat on my ass...get into the subway and manage to find a seat...get out at Union and rush through the crowd, which involves getting my bag stuck in the exit door to the subway, walking into a wall almost, knocking over a trash can as I try to squeeze through a group of VERYYY SLOOOW WALKING MEN, and then again trip going up the stairs and nearly fall down the flight of stairs...SERIOUSLY...LIKE SERIOUSLY ...FML...lol
I get into the office and sit down, take a breath and do a body scan...one big ass bruise on my arm and one on my leg..this is day 2 and already I have decided that besides this book being packed with me everyday, I need to pack a first aid kit as well...
off to heal my wounds & prepare for day 3
- A
Soo now that I have dealt with some of the emotions, I am thinking a lot clearer and definately feeling a lot more focused. This book talks about how the past and future are all this illusion, meaning the idea of "time" is an illusion and that all that really matters is the present moment, which we never really enjoy becuase it every minute of everyday we are never just thinking of NOW, but rather of whats to come or what came before. And becuase we are soo focused on these two idea's of the past and future we never really just take each moment in and enjoy or experience them....
I don't know how much I believe you can totally just live in the moment and never think of the future but as I skimmed forward a bit I realized that he gets to the idea of practical vs. psychological aspects of time...mhmm I can't wait :S
Okay getting back to this idea of living in the moment, he talks about the idea of focusing and always thinking about what you are doing and the means essentially to the end. So for example from the moment you get up in the morning you begin thinking of the stresses of the day to come and he says to stop that and instead focus on the idea of making it into the office. I mean since the idea of getting up and getting ready is to get to that end point the office. Its similar to the idea of climbing a flight of stairs and instead of thinking what comes after you get to the top, you only focus on getting to the top...
Sooooo I am trying this idea out, and I am positive this will cause for some laughs as people attempt to visualize just how crazie I must look, lol. Okay soo i am a victim to waking up first thing in the morning and having my mind already racing, so now I am attempting to do what the book says, stay focused, think of the idea of a means to an end.
So, this morning I get up...focus as I get ready and end up spending more then usual since I am concentrating so hard... I finally leave the house and drive to the subway station, get outta my car and begin the treck to the subway platform. Now all I am thinking is "MUST GET TO OFFICE"...soo there is nothing relaxed about my approach instead I am staring straight into some empty idea of the office and rushing through everything to get there..soo in the process, I trip over my own foot (DONT ASK!) and almost go tumbling down the steps, save myself just in time to run down the steps and miss a couple and almost fall flat on my ass...get into the subway and manage to find a seat...get out at Union and rush through the crowd, which involves getting my bag stuck in the exit door to the subway, walking into a wall almost, knocking over a trash can as I try to squeeze through a group of VERYYY SLOOOW WALKING MEN, and then again trip going up the stairs and nearly fall down the flight of stairs...SERIOUSLY...LIKE SERIOUSLY ...FML...lol
I get into the office and sit down, take a breath and do a body scan...one big ass bruise on my arm and one on my leg..this is day 2 and already I have decided that besides this book being packed with me everyday, I need to pack a first aid kit as well...
off to heal my wounds & prepare for day 3
- A
Sunday, January 24, 2010
a 30 day transition....
So I must say that I am amazed at a lot of the comments and things I have heard from people on my blog. Not many people comment on the actual posts but the emails, txts & conversations surrounding my writing have been truly inspiring.
The truth is I write because I love to write, its like doing yoga or boxing or anything alike, it is just this amazing release. And while I tend to open up and share a lot of things that are some what personal, I wonder why I do it especially since I tend to keep most things in. I mean you all know my personality is completely out there but at the same time a lot of that is a cover up to a world of fear and anxiety that lives within me. I say a lot of things on this thing, because the truth is I have no clue really who is reading, who cares and if its of any interest to anyone and so writing on this is easier then having to sit down face to face and actually open up to someone. Like most people I have grown up experiencing a lot of growing pains and the hardest area for me to have ever dealt with is the idea of relationships and not just your typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but friendships, family, every kind of relationship you can imagine, including the one with myself. I remember blogging about white water rafting when I was in africa and the idea of how easily we trust people we don't know sometimes over the people we know. And that same idea appears again..I mean why is it soo easy for me to sit here and type this blog rather then look at the people I hold the closest to me and share the things that I am dying to share???
It has taken me so long to build the relationship with myself which I trust is at the best point of my life and africa solidified my ability to look in the mirror and say that I love the 27 year old woman I have become. But that doesn't cover up my fear of letting go and just trusting the people around me. Friendships and bonds alike have not always been the easiest for me to keep and for a long time I questioned whether it was me and likely still do a bit. I never look at any of the relationships I have besides the ones with my family and think when I am 90 these bonds will still be untouched, I just haven't had the ability to see how long lasting something can be, with the exception of a few people in my life. And while I am surrounded by the most amazing people a lot of me holds back because at least it will be easier to deal with the loss when it happens. So there you have it...I can write in this blog all I want and open up all I want because at the end of the day this is just continuing to help me build the relationship i have with myself, while I continue to hold back with the people that I love most in my life.
But i can't do this forever. At some point, I am going to have to learn to let go of past issues, stop worrying about what could be and just TRUST & LIVE in the moment I have been blessed with....And now as I get closer to my 28th birthday, I think to myself when does this happen at one point do I realize that patterns can change and that good things can continue to grow? At what point do I make the idea of building these relationships around me a priority and stop hiding behind career and educational goals??....the answer is NOW.
Soo here is the plan. 30 days to a new trusting me, a person who learns to live for the moment and really just let go in every aspect of my life. So in order to stay commited I will blog my way through this transition which will be based on my readings of the Power of Now, my everyday struggle to rid of anxiety's and trust and so on. I'm pealing every layer possible and putting it all out there becuase the 28 year old I will soon become thinks its about time I realized I deserve these strong healthy relationship bonds.
Along with all this I will be giving up drinking, which I don't do much of to begin with, just so I can avoid any confusion or anxiety that could creep its way back in at any moment for the next 30 days.
So...please feel free to share your comments, thoughts, inspiring stories, etc. Because this is going to be a very hard but hopefully rewarding 30 days :)
Thanks to everyone in my life for continuously being patient, here is to making our bonds stronger and healthier.
Day 1 of 30 almost about through, write soon.
- A
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