And since then I have just begun to feel the affects of how quickly I have been moving since my return from Africa. When I was away in Uganda, I use to lay awake at night and contemplate life and what I was suppose to do with it. I mean on one hand you want the money and on the other you want the happiness and one doesn't necessarily mean the other. And as time went on there I learnt to say goodbye to my attachments like my clothes, my makeup, my ipod, my blackberry and realized that the only thing I was really attached to, the only thing that really besides me kept me happiest was the people I surrounded myself with. Which was so hard for me to come to terms with.
I mean I am one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve and shows my emotions in everything I do. But any kind of relationship be it with friends, boyfriends, family has never been easy for me. My insecurities allowed me to be a doormat when I was younger and hence got taken advantage of quite a bit and as I go older and learnt to shine through my insecurities and start holding my own many people around me who had gotten use to me being one way couldn't handle the change. Then because of going through a lot of rough stints in all these relationships I began to be that person that just wanted to be everything to everyone and make sure that everyone around me was happiest because I never wanted anyone to feel the shortages or the rough points that I felt.
And while I have tried so hard to keep everyone happy around me, it has allowed me to hold back and not necessarily open up and thus allow my trust levels to stay really slim. So when I was in africa and realized what the people in my life meant for me. It meant that those walls would have to break and that I would need to start admitting to people that I wasn't perfect and that opening up was something I wanted to do forever but just let all my fears get in the way.
Which I guess in a lot of ways is why I did start this mission.
That and well this fast forward life I have been living since I have been back all help me stay occupied from thinking about how much I miss my life in Uganda and the amazingness I felt when I was in front of those group of kids and surrounded by their ability to just live. They made me want to be things I didn't ever think I wanted to be, including the idea of a mother. And it just isn't as easy as taking a flight to Cali or NYC to visit friends, its not so easily done.
And yesterday morning it all hit me, that I just needed to really do one thing that didn't include my 30 day mission, my new job, condo hunting, helping people through their problems and life stresses, being patient with the annoyances in my life and so on....
All I really need to do is....
Catch my breath.
-A
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