At The Bottom all over again....

Is life a constant struggle of trying to get to the top, only to start at the bottom again? I mean we work through elementary school, high school and uni/college just to be the glorified senior for a year, which is then followed by a struggle to get to the top all over again. Or is it not just a struggle, but rather a constant learning curve that we all must continue to face?

Being in africa a few months ago and envisioning my life, never really included the feelings that I feel now. Life in the past few months have gone at a complete fast pace that has me finally catching my breath only to wonder what did I get myself into? I knew what I wanted and I set out for it and for the first time EVER i just never hit any struggles to get those things, and then I start living the job the past few weeks only to realize finally today that the real catch is...

If the struggle doesn't come in getting to what it is you want, it comes after you get what you want....

And that can apply to so many things in my life at this exact moment as I struggle to get the one thing I have always wanted and at the same time struggle with the things that just seemed to come soo easily the past while...lets stick to the later for now...

Being back at the bottom on the job isn't the greatest feeling...I get bossed around, told what to do, assigned tasks that make you wonder if this is what you spend all these years studying for and at the end of the day come home feeling completely beaten, exhausted and feeling like I just want to give up. I mean what does any of what I do really matter at the end of the day? Besides the fact that it is paying the bills?

And I get it, nothing comes with out struggle, BUT REALLY? even at 50 when i change jobs will it be like this? I thought I was suppose to be climbing up the corporate ladder and not feeling like I can't even see the top...

This week and the few weeks that have lead up to now have been full of some serious comic relief, tears and serious stress. Its reminded me of my first year in Audit and continues to make me think whether I have really learned anything all these years or not?? Let's just take a peak at some of the things that will likely make you laugh about my flightyness on the job:

1. Split tea all over my lap top...right before I was to have a meeting with two stream leads...in front of them...

2. Complain about my manager to my coach through communicator...only to realize after not hearing a response that I had really messaged my manager, a list of what I really thought of him..... Thankfully his computer sat unattended and I just managed to press the hard reset :)

3. Get told 15 minutes before a meeting that the client lead wont be attending, and get told 5 minutes after the meeting that the manager to step in can not be located....which means I am left to lead, only I had no moderator code and about 30 people waiting on the line for the "meeting" to start, talk about serious anxiety sweat stains...lol...

Those have to be my top three's for now...becuase seriously writing anymore would likely cause me to be depressed all over again about how I really indirectly asked for alll this...

I just ask this before I sign off....

If there was no struggle, if we could get things as easily as we wanted and there was no struggle there after, would we still want the things we want?? Or is it the struggle, the heart ache, and the challenge that keeps us going??

I wonder I really do, thoughts?

-A