pg. 85 on day 3...and nearly brought to tears...

"Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. Its a mental phantom"

Thats how page 85 of this book started. I walked into the subway at Union sat down and started at this thought. I wondered if people were watching me, because after reading just this paragraph I felt like I was grasping for air. The truth is, as much as I don't ever want to admit it, this is usually how my mind works. I mean I jump into a lot of things, and just do without thinking a lot. But its usually just when I am faced with this new challenge my mind begins to race. Its like I could make myself sick with worry at times.....nooooo wonder I have ulcers :S

The what if's have subsided from the level at which they used to be, but none the less they still exist. And being where I am right now...2 days away from my last day at PwC and just 5 days away from the start of a new job at a new firm, in a new environment...My mind is racing...what if I did make the wrong choice, what if I sacrificed one thing for another, what if??!?!?!...I feel like I haven't had a single moment to be excited about the new journey I am starting because I am consumed with fear in so many aspects. And while I know the majority of it is because its this unknown, it doesn't lesson the worry.

But as I said I would try to LIVE IN THE NOW...soo as I continued reading through page 85, it said to train yourself to ask yourself "what problem you have RIGHT NOW", not 5 minutes from now, not an hour from now, or 5 days from now...RIGHT NOW....and the truth is while I could think of a couple, none of them are really problems, they are just what if situations based on predicaments I am in right now...

Sooo i breathed and tried to talk myself outta my anxiety...annnnnnnnnnnnnnd i still am....lol

One day at a time right, hello its only day 3 i'm not suppose to be perfect yet :)

- A