At The Bottom all over again....

Is life a constant struggle of trying to get to the top, only to start at the bottom again? I mean we work through elementary school, high school and uni/college just to be the glorified senior for a year, which is then followed by a struggle to get to the top all over again. Or is it not just a struggle, but rather a constant learning curve that we all must continue to face?

Being in africa a few months ago and envisioning my life, never really included the feelings that I feel now. Life in the past few months have gone at a complete fast pace that has me finally catching my breath only to wonder what did I get myself into? I knew what I wanted and I set out for it and for the first time EVER i just never hit any struggles to get those things, and then I start living the job the past few weeks only to realize finally today that the real catch is...

If the struggle doesn't come in getting to what it is you want, it comes after you get what you want....

And that can apply to so many things in my life at this exact moment as I struggle to get the one thing I have always wanted and at the same time struggle with the things that just seemed to come soo easily the past while...lets stick to the later for now...

Being back at the bottom on the job isn't the greatest feeling...I get bossed around, told what to do, assigned tasks that make you wonder if this is what you spend all these years studying for and at the end of the day come home feeling completely beaten, exhausted and feeling like I just want to give up. I mean what does any of what I do really matter at the end of the day? Besides the fact that it is paying the bills?

And I get it, nothing comes with out struggle, BUT REALLY? even at 50 when i change jobs will it be like this? I thought I was suppose to be climbing up the corporate ladder and not feeling like I can't even see the top...

This week and the few weeks that have lead up to now have been full of some serious comic relief, tears and serious stress. Its reminded me of my first year in Audit and continues to make me think whether I have really learned anything all these years or not?? Let's just take a peak at some of the things that will likely make you laugh about my flightyness on the job:

1. Split tea all over my lap top...right before I was to have a meeting with two stream leads...in front of them...

2. Complain about my manager to my coach through communicator...only to realize after not hearing a response that I had really messaged my manager, a list of what I really thought of him..... Thankfully his computer sat unattended and I just managed to press the hard reset :)

3. Get told 15 minutes before a meeting that the client lead wont be attending, and get told 5 minutes after the meeting that the manager to step in can not be located....which means I am left to lead, only I had no moderator code and about 30 people waiting on the line for the "meeting" to start, talk about serious anxiety sweat stains...lol...

Those have to be my top three's for now...becuase seriously writing anymore would likely cause me to be depressed all over again about how I really indirectly asked for alll this...

I just ask this before I sign off....

If there was no struggle, if we could get things as easily as we wanted and there was no struggle there after, would we still want the things we want?? Or is it the struggle, the heart ache, and the challenge that keeps us going??

I wonder I really do, thoughts?

-A

All the way to Carribean and back, reallly :)

What a week!!! This week I was reminded of what it was like to be back at the bottom again. Leaving PwC in a position of "Running the show" so to speak and heading to deloitte to be named "spread sheet coordinator" on a multi-million dollar engagement isn't exactly what I had in mind. Work has officially consumed my life and left me feeling like my first year in audit, where I wanted to run to the bathroom every day and cry my eyes out in utter frustration of not understanding a damn thing...

The crazy nightmares of work stress have started to follow me and my mind feels constantly occupied by the what ifs of not meeting a deadline or two. And while I know I asked for this change so I could be mentally stimulated as they say. REALLY, LIKE REALLY!!!! IS THAT WHAT WORK WILL BE LIKE FOREVER?!!?!? All I could think about this past week is how I would rather be taunted by the teachers at St. Florence and have an amazing day job, then be sitting in a board room all alone, contemplating whether to start screaming, crying or hanging myself from the projector cord :S

Luckily, as a birthday gift to myself ( onne of the many of course) I got to head off to the spa for the afternoon today. I went to the aveda spa and yorkdale for the caribbean body treatment that promises to take you to the carribean and back for the few hours you are there...annnd boy werrre they COMPLETELY ACCURATE.

EVERYONE, and I MEAN EVERYONE needs to go in for one of these treatments! It was a fabulous 2.5 hours that left me walking out of the spa not remembering where i was, what day it was and what time of year or day it was. For today I got to leave work and every other kind of stress behind and just escape and it was absolutely phenomenal....

After today I will add to my wish list of things I would love to have:

1. Personal hair stylist
2. Personal make-up artist
3. Cleaning person (well just to vaccumm becuase I HATE IT!)
4. PERSONAL RMT, so that everyday I can come home and feel like I live in the caribbean :)

Soo clearly I just would like to wake up, have someone get my face and hair ready whille i sleep sitting up, and come home to a clean house, and an RMT that could take me back to the carribeann, is that sooo hard to ask for!?!?!? I mean, i am still willing to cook so isnt that a good thing?!!?!?!?...lol

In a perffect world I tell you, a perfect world ;)

Up in the air for now, write sooon
-A

28 years younger...

Oh biiirthdays how I love theee, esppecially when they include TONNES of birthday cake :) Its official I'm 28 years old, not a grey hair in site, no extra wrinkles, only just a HELLLL OF a lot wiser and definately a little bit more Bonkers...lol

Another week o celebrations for the books, that doesnt seem to be ending...but hey I am willing to ride out these birthday celebrations FOOOOR AS LONNNG AS THEY CARRE TO CONTINUE :)

In dedication to all the amazing people in my life who have so far made this one of the best birthdays yet, here is a bit of recap of everything, along with some lesssons learnt, ennjjoy :)

1. Girl bonding/talk NEVER gets old and only gets better and better when you combine 6 CRAZIE girls with a lot of bday cake and clearly not a lot of sleep. Birthday cake 1, mhmmm dairy queen GOOTTTTA love it, almost as much as I love each of my Craziessss...PS. Crazieee AKWARD is still up for debate :P

2. Retail Therapy is alwayyys amazing around your birthday because clearly you can buy whatever you want becuase well helllo ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY :) Soo all i gots to say is love the new coat, bag, scarf, clothes and definately the barrett :P, hey i think its fine that I took a week away from thinking about household appliances that are the bain of my existance and spent a bit on me :)

3. Clearly SPA days are required for everyone, I am just shocked that the spa didnt press charges when I demanded a saturday booking and said it was a MENTAL HEALTH emergency, lol...maybe its a good thing I have to wait now til next week.

4. GOOD MUSIC is undeniablly what I miss most about having not been out in ages...clearly when you stay in for long periods of time going out becomes an ALL day event that creates severe ants in your pants syndrome, along with the need to let out every annoying embarressing dance you have been doing in your room since your last outing...lol

5. Drinking which I did since my birthday was a "special occassion" has lost its buzzz for me...especially since i realized that i basically act the same way sober, as I do when I am under the influence...thankfully I was good at "passing drinks on" and disguising gin with water ...mayybe I should have been crazyyy sneaker :) Less of an awful morning and more of an enjoyable day, means I am still in line with weeding out the alcohol.

6. My shoes, dont always hurt my feet, I actually just really LOVVVE being barefoot and am completely okay with being the crazie with no shoes. Plus the way I see it, for every thing I take off - i.e. my shoes, it gives me a hall pass to take something off someone, which can explain my new obsession of stealing peoples accesories - i.e. glasses, hats, scarves...lol

7. Birthdays ARE better left to be spent with only those you truely care about and literally complete your life. And while I know the persons I wish could have been there but werent, I still gotta say that I AM ONNNNE PRETTY LUCKY GIRLLL, who is definately beyound loved..

8. BIRTHDAY COOOKING is my new favorite thing, and I love that it stands for mom bonding, dad loving and famillly eating :) mhmmmmmm ps. thanks martha stewart for sommmme seriously good tips!

9. Without fail my mom and dad always write a card that leaves me with birthday tears...Thank God they just always have the ice cream cake readddy to deal with the emotions...

10. I always said that this year I would celebrate at my own place and have everyone over for a BIGGGGG home cooked meal...well clearly that didnt happen, but at least I know I can say it about next year AND KNOOOOOOW that it will happpen :) T-minus 1 month!!!!!


Thats that for now..all I gotta say b4 I bounce is that again I am one lucky lady and while I have lost a few great friends over the years, the ones that surround me now are definately the cream of the crop and the ones that LOVE ME FOR ME, and realize that respect and appreciation go a long way...

Here's to never losing site of the good for another year to come..

-A

When i Grow Up.....

As I mentioned the days before my birthday are causing some serious reflection on the past many years of my life. Soon to be 28 years young, doesn't seem so young and at the same time makes me understand just how quickly time can fly.

This morning as I got up and began to get ready to attack the morning grind, called work, I began to wonder about if as a kid I imagined my adult life to be as such?!?! I mean, did I really have dreams of being an aspiring consultant at deloitte?!?! Was being a CA really what made me smile when I went to bed at night?!?!?! I highly doubt that....soo how do I ask, did I end up here?! And do we all have jobs we do, but dont love, and dont quite get how we ended up at?

As I began my dreadful morning commute out to the saug, I thought about what I thought I would be when I grew up. And here is what my aged memory could remember:

1. A doctor that delivers baby - Yes thats right, I love kids so much I always wanted to be a part of bringing such tiny miracles into the world - however I think watching the birth of a baby in Grade 12 parenting, my dreams came crashing down as I realized what I would have to see along with that baby :S

2. The next Barbara Walters - Why not?!?! You get to interrogate people and meet some of the most interesting people ever. I think I would still do this...however after realizing a camera adds 10 pounds regardless of how small you are, I feel like I would need to give up some major food groups to look just right on TV...annnnd quite frankly I LOVVVE red velvet cupcakes a bit tooo much...lol

3. A Back- Up Dancer - MHMMM hello, why not?!?!!? Only I think my token moves would only make me a solo act on stage as people try to get away from me...lol..

4. A singer - While I seem to think my voice resonates beauty I think the rest of the general public would beg to differ...lol - so yea I guess I wont be the next Canadian Idol anytime soon.

5. A writer - Welll I may not have any books published now, but after getting a hint of Carrie's column in sex and the city, this blog comes as close as its going to get for now, no?!?!?!?

Thats all i could manage to piece together and while I thought about how I used to talk to my parents and family about how I would be famous and on TV one day...I realized that none of what I wanted, depicted where I have ended up...and where I have ended up for NOW...isn't where I truely now want to end up.

Which is now VERY VERY VERY VERY Clear to me...its just a matter of getting there. I bet your all wondering where?? lol, or not I can imagine for most of the general population who wonder why I chose to ramble on this thing...BUTTTT just despite you haters, I will indulge in my aspirations which have become EXTREMELY clear as of late.

Prior to my african adventure my dreams were full of getting into B school and joining the elite group of powerful business women in the world. However after being surrounded by my grade 5's at St.Florence for many weeks, I realized that the rat race was not where I wanted to be and surely wasn't how I wanted to spend my life...

The truth is there is a legacy that my grandfather began long before I was born, that I have realized since starting at Deloitte is where I should and want to be headed. It involves education, teaching and building schools and further more it erases the dreams of B Schools and expensive tuition and never being around my family and allows me to be a mother, a successful entrepreneur, an inspiration, and the final part to a legacy that needs to be continued :)

Now the question is...how do I cut the current cord holding me back?!!??! This my friends is officiallllllly TBC (to be continued ....lol)

- Arti

ready or not!?!?!

One week today I will be 28 years younger and one more year wiser. I find that birthdays are much like new years eve, as the day approaches you tend to look back at the year you just had and hope and wonder what great things are in store for the year ahead.

I guess that would be mean that I am for sure in a phase of reflection, only this year unlike others I find myself looking back not only at the past year but at the complete package, the complete 27 years that have gone by.

A few days ago I was chatting with a friend who said that she felt as though she had lost who she once was in the midst of a lot of the chaos that consumed her life and as we hung up the phone that thought stayed with me for the remainder of that night and the couple days that followed. And as I sit here now and began to reflect on all the time that as passed I think about how opposite of a place I am in my life then my friend.

Instead of feeling lost, I feel completely overwhelmed, because the woman I always vied to be is now the person I see when I look in the mirror and I have no idea how and when that happened, all I know is that she is now there. And as I look back I wish I could tell that 13, 16, 18, and 20 something year old I once was how amazing it all turns out. Only now, I feel like it has all happened soo fast. Like what happened to the innocent days of being 16 and being able to just live??? Now I am consumed with adult like problems like money, bills, apartment hunting, career choices, life paths, kids, marriage, a mortgage. All of which make me feel excited for the second half of my life, but completely freaked out at how it all sort of begins to just come together and then BOOM just like that you are at a point where you always imagined yourself, only instead of feeling completely excited you feel completely scared. Its almost as if you know things are just about to change and you wonder how ready you really are...

And while at 28 I know where and what I want things to look like a year from now, I wonder how ready I really am for any of it? And whether or not, its something I want, my parents want or everyone else wants more then me...

Oh boooy, like I said, whatever happened to being 16??!?!?

Leaving you with something to think about as always

- A

The Crazieess with No One buut my CRAZIIIIESSS :)

Okay, so clearly as I dodge the idea of closing my lights and being subjected to darkness or shall we say nightmares of the horror film I was subjected to today, I escape to write hoping it will allow me to get the images currently in my head OUT, so I can possibly sleep tonight....

So after months and months of being tortured by the threat of being tied down to a couch to watch a scary movie with all my girlies, I cracked and agreed to venture into the theatre with them today to watch "The Crazies". While initially I was told it was a movie that was basically the girl version of the hangover and JUST had to be seen with all of us together, I quickly realized after seeing the preview that clearly the main characters in this movie were NOT in Vegas anymore. How bad could it be I wondered?!?!?! I mean, I did sit through all the chucky movies at one point in my life and saw a list of some other scary movies sooo why not, right!?!?!

I am pretty sure I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, but then the lights went out and the movie came on and as I sat there sandwiched between all my girls waiting to get a laugh outta my reactions, I realized there was REAAALLLY NO WAY OUT!!!!! So there I was huddled behind my jacket, heart in my stomach and DRIPPPING sweat on my palms, and all the while as I watched I wondered...WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE LIKE THESE DAMN MOVIES?!?!?!

Its almost like a roller coaster when you think about it, no?!?! LIKE who loves the feeling of their stomach being in their head??!!? Much the same way of your heart beating soo hard from anxiety you may throw up or start screaming like a complete and utter maniac?!?! And further to that, when did killing people with pitchforks and chainsaws suddenly become an escape from reality!?! I thought movies were suppose to be a nice break from reality not something that made you scared to live your own damn life...

So through all my complaining I did manage to survive, and while I did manage to get a good laugh outta my girls and had a great time with them...I don't think I will be getting early tickets to the remake on nightmare on elm street which will likely make me NEVER WANT TO SLEEP AGAIN...

Sooo as I close, I ask again, why do people like these movies?!?!?!!?

Here's to hoping I manage to sleeep peacefully tonight :S

-A