Its been 8 days and world of change..

I won't lie and say that this first week has been amzing because really it hasn't been. Life is tough when you are trying to face the things that bring you down and rid them in your life. Its a cautious effort you have to make that sometimes gets the best of you.

Soo this week while difficult was extremely eventful. I left my job of 4.5 years a place that likely made me feel as though life as I thought it to be when I graduated from University was not really real life or representative of things that I wanted. On the last day of my job, I was faced with the one part of my grueling past I find the hardest to overcome and was actually extremely unaffected. Unaffected in the sense that I just knew I was where I was meant to be regardless of how much I could have wanted certain things before. And lastly, after dealing with the overwelming feelings of the week, I took my first ever ME day. I shut my Blackberry off, and enjoyed a massage, a hair apt and a nail apt all with just focusing and enjoying each moment for me and it was INCREDIBLE.

While the weekend hasn't served to be the best like my friday, I was fortunate to be lent the video "the secret" today. I had boughten the book a couple years ago and could never really get it or understand it and while watching the movie today, I realized that I wasn't ment to get it at that moment, because those things that I thought i believed were not really what was good for me. The movie hit home, and it ties very nicely to the power of NOW, so much so that I am actually adding to the visual book I started and continuing down the path that I am focused on remidiating.

Watching the movie inspired me to do something that I have wanted to do for awhile, after I was told the idea, which is to write letters to the people or things or ideas in your past that hinder you from moving forward. So tonight that is task number 1 and task number 2 is to add to my visual book and really start believing in the things that i deserve.

As I leave you with my update, I just wanna leave you with two thoughts that will likely inspire this weeks blogs.

"Energy flows, where attention goes"

"Focus on what you want, and not what you don't want"

Here's to living in the Now for Now :)

- A

pg. 85 on day 3...and nearly brought to tears...

"Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. Its a mental phantom"

Thats how page 85 of this book started. I walked into the subway at Union sat down and started at this thought. I wondered if people were watching me, because after reading just this paragraph I felt like I was grasping for air. The truth is, as much as I don't ever want to admit it, this is usually how my mind works. I mean I jump into a lot of things, and just do without thinking a lot. But its usually just when I am faced with this new challenge my mind begins to race. Its like I could make myself sick with worry at times.....nooooo wonder I have ulcers :S

The what if's have subsided from the level at which they used to be, but none the less they still exist. And being where I am right now...2 days away from my last day at PwC and just 5 days away from the start of a new job at a new firm, in a new environment...My mind is racing...what if I did make the wrong choice, what if I sacrificed one thing for another, what if??!?!?!...I feel like I haven't had a single moment to be excited about the new journey I am starting because I am consumed with fear in so many aspects. And while I know the majority of it is because its this unknown, it doesn't lesson the worry.

But as I said I would try to LIVE IN THE NOW...soo as I continued reading through page 85, it said to train yourself to ask yourself "what problem you have RIGHT NOW", not 5 minutes from now, not an hour from now, or 5 days from now...RIGHT NOW....and the truth is while I could think of a couple, none of them are really problems, they are just what if situations based on predicaments I am in right now...

Sooo i breathed and tried to talk myself outta my anxiety...annnnnnnnnnnnnnd i still am....lol

One day at a time right, hello its only day 3 i'm not suppose to be perfect yet :)

- A

Day 2 of 30 and already bruised up...Literallly!

Soo i won't lie that I had started reading this book the Power of Now, last week...which is likely better for all of you, since the first week of reading and realizing the commitment I had to make was the hardest and likely the most emotional of it all....

Soo now that I have dealt with some of the emotions, I am thinking a lot clearer and definately feeling a lot more focused. This book talks about how the past and future are all this illusion, meaning the idea of "time" is an illusion and that all that really matters is the present moment, which we never really enjoy becuase it every minute of everyday we are never just thinking of NOW, but rather of whats to come or what came before. And becuase we are soo focused on these two idea's of the past and future we never really just take each moment in and enjoy or experience them....

I don't know how much I believe you can totally just live in the moment and never think of the future but as I skimmed forward a bit I realized that he gets to the idea of practical vs. psychological aspects of time...mhmm I can't wait :S

Okay getting back to this idea of living in the moment, he talks about the idea of focusing and always thinking about what you are doing and the means essentially to the end. So for example from the moment you get up in the morning you begin thinking of the stresses of the day to come and he says to stop that and instead focus on the idea of making it into the office. I mean since the idea of getting up and getting ready is to get to that end point the office. Its similar to the idea of climbing a flight of stairs and instead of thinking what comes after you get to the top, you only focus on getting to the top...

Sooooo I am trying this idea out, and I am positive this will cause for some laughs as people attempt to visualize just how crazie I must look, lol. Okay soo i am a victim to waking up first thing in the morning and having my mind already racing, so now I am attempting to do what the book says, stay focused, think of the idea of a means to an end.

So, this morning I get up...focus as I get ready and end up spending more then usual since I am concentrating so hard... I finally leave the house and drive to the subway station, get outta my car and begin the treck to the subway platform. Now all I am thinking is "MUST GET TO OFFICE"...soo there is nothing relaxed about my approach instead I am staring straight into some empty idea of the office and rushing through everything to get there..soo in the process, I trip over my own foot (DONT ASK!) and almost go tumbling down the steps, save myself just in time to run down the steps and miss a couple and almost fall flat on my ass...get into the subway and manage to find a seat...get out at Union and rush through the crowd, which involves getting my bag stuck in the exit door to the subway, walking into a wall almost, knocking over a trash can as I try to squeeze through a group of VERYYY SLOOOW WALKING MEN, and then again trip going up the stairs and nearly fall down the flight of stairs...SERIOUSLY...LIKE SERIOUSLY ...FML...lol

I get into the office and sit down, take a breath and do a body scan...one big ass bruise on my arm and one on my leg..this is day 2 and already I have decided that besides this book being packed with me everyday, I need to pack a first aid kit as well...


off to heal my wounds & prepare for day 3
- A

a 30 day transition....

So I must say that I am amazed at a lot of the comments and things I have heard from people on my blog. Not many people comment on the actual posts but the emails, txts & conversations surrounding my writing have been truly inspiring.

The truth is I write because I love to write, its like doing yoga or boxing or anything alike, it is just this amazing release. And while I tend to open up and share a lot of things that are some what personal, I wonder why I do it especially since I tend to keep most things in. I mean you all know my personality is completely out there but at the same time a lot of that is a cover up to a world of fear and anxiety that lives within me. I say a lot of things on this thing, because the truth is I have no clue really who is reading, who cares and if its of any interest to anyone and so writing on this is easier then having to sit down face to face and actually open up to someone. Like most people I have grown up experiencing a lot of growing pains and the hardest area for me to have ever dealt with is the idea of relationships and not just your typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but friendships, family, every kind of relationship you can imagine, including the one with myself. I remember blogging about white water rafting when I was in africa and the idea of how easily we trust people we don't know sometimes over the people we know. And that same idea appears again..I mean why is it soo easy for me to sit here and type this blog rather then look at the people I hold the closest to me and share the things that I am dying to share???

It has taken me so long to build the relationship with myself which I trust is at the best point of my life and africa solidified my ability to look in the mirror and say that I love the 27 year old woman I have become. But that doesn't cover up my fear of letting go and just trusting the people around me. Friendships and bonds alike have not always been the easiest for me to keep and for a long time I questioned whether it was me and likely still do a bit. I never look at any of the relationships I have besides the ones with my family and think when I am 90 these bonds will still be untouched, I just haven't had the ability to see how long lasting something can be, with the exception of a few people in my life. And while I am surrounded by the most amazing people a lot of me holds back because at least it will be easier to deal with the loss when it happens. So there you have it...I can write in this blog all I want and open up all I want because at the end of the day this is just continuing to help me build the relationship i have with myself, while I continue to hold back with the people that I love most in my life.

But i can't do this forever. At some point, I am going to have to learn to let go of past issues, stop worrying about what could be and just TRUST & LIVE in the moment I have been blessed with....And now as I get closer to my 28th birthday, I think to myself when does this happen at one point do I realize that patterns can change and that good things can continue to grow? At what point do I make the idea of building these relationships around me a priority and stop hiding behind career and educational goals??....the answer is NOW.

Soo here is the plan. 30 days to a new trusting me, a person who learns to live for the moment and really just let go in every aspect of my life. So in order to stay commited I will blog my way through this transition which will be based on my readings of the Power of Now, my everyday struggle to rid of anxiety's and trust and so on. I'm pealing every layer possible and putting it all out there becuase the 28 year old I will soon become thinks its about time I realized I deserve these strong healthy relationship bonds.

Along with all this I will be giving up drinking, which I don't do much of to begin with, just so I can avoid any confusion or anxiety that could creep its way back in at any moment for the next 30 days.

So...please feel free to share your comments, thoughts, inspiring stories, etc. Because this is going to be a very hard but hopefully rewarding 30 days :)

Thanks to everyone in my life for continuously being patient, here is to making our bonds stronger and healthier.

Day 1 of 30 almost about through, write soon.

- A

The power of NOW...

As I sit here and still attempt to take in one of most amazing and inspiring weekends yet, I can't help but finally feel slightly at ease that life will work itself out...

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by some of the most amazing women in the world which of course include my girlies. No matter how different our backgrounds are we all manage to come together and continuously grow and inspire one another and this weekend proved nothing less then that.

As all of us (my girlies and I) are entering into similar stages in our lives where we are constantly being faced with the stresses and fears of past experiences that we want never to be repeated. It causes us all to live in fear and be somewhat unwilling to believe that life could change. And as we all are looking at futures that are filled with images of our own families its the how the hell will we ever get there questions that brought us all to our saturday night workshop.

As we all piled in the car to head over to this inspiring workshop we all had no idea what to expect. It was a meeting of 7 ladies who were ready to learn and ready to face things head on. We were taught to create lists of positive wants and needs and to focus on these things in both our everyday lives and relationships. Discussions surrounded things that were important to us, where we all came from and things holding us back and almost in some ways going through an intervention of sorts with the people that love you the most.

I needed this, more then anything and whille many events in the past few weeks have made me wonder if I was ever going to be capable of loving someone again whole heartedly or trusting anyone enough to let go of all my anxietys...Saturday night proved what I had slowly started to realize. ITS TIME TO FULLLY JUST LET GO..

I guess you can say that the basis behind the workshop we all attended was like most theorys we have heard about - the law of attraction. Putting things out into the universe in a positive manner that allow it to eventually come back to you. And i realized that as much as I have expectations of someone I will be with in the end, I can't expect certain things from them like trust until I know how to do the same. It has to be manifested as you put it out there and to put it out there means you have to be willing to reciprocate it. And by creating a list of things you are looking for, you are forcing yourself to believe you deserve it and thus will never settle for less.

There is definately question as to whether or not this stuff works or means anything but I do know that it makes soo much sence. Living in the NOW, versus living in your fears and anxietys of the past, only makes you that much more able to find what it is you want NOW and be willing to accept it with open arms. Which means embracing it, letting go and just enjoying the good stuff.

In every aspect in my life except relationships the past few years have been a process of clearing out the negative and bringing in all the positive and now with everything in tact there is only one area left to really work on......which is definately the hardest I must admit but definately worth a shot. I mean if I have seen the benefits of riding the negative energy in all other areas, doesn't it make sence to try?!?!?!

So as I begin to embrace the changes of a new job and the next step in my career. I have decided to take the ending of my PwC life as the end of the negativity chapter and my new career at Deloitte as the beginning of the rest of an amazingly positive life, I mean after all bad experiences just mean I deserve to get the goods now. SOOO world, I'm coming after you and so are the rest of these ladies who were with me this wkend, soo be ready becuase things wont ever be the same again :)

Heading out to take the rest of this wkend in, write soon but of course
- A

Thinking...is it ever possible to stop??...

So as most of you know the past bit has been extremely busy. Talk about change, for the first time in my life I set out a path of what needed to be done and it has all happened and really in a way that almost makes me wonder, WTF, what's the catch? annnd where is that person that is going to jump out of no where and say juuust kiddding, gotcha?...

I know, I know ...the goal is to take things as they come, count your blessings and not over think..I believe thats what I constantly preech, yea? But its soo much easier to inspire others to do it then do it myself.

And thats just it. I have come to realize that my biggest problem is my Mind/Brain (and yes I have one!), it just never really ever shuts off. Its like my mind is a constant think tank that thinks, analyizes and processes. This maybe ties to this whole idea of as you get older you think more, question more, and generally close off more....But how do you actually train yourself to stop thinking?!?!?

In search of an answer to this burning question, I retreated to the yoga studio in hopes of finding some hints to my question during the beginning or ending Shivasana....annnd there it was, the answer as my teacher began the class....curious to know what it is??

For those of you yogi's out there, you all know that the beginning of class always begins with something motivational to keep you focused which always says something along the lines of "Leave your day outside the studio and just relax your mind, releasing yourself of any judgement of you or others and just let go...setting an intention for your class"...and thats just it, thats what it is...Its's the judgement that keeps us CONSTANTLY thinking...

Inside a yoga studio I have actually trained my mind to go so blank that I forget what time and day it is when I am done class. But its the minute I walk out that door that my brain begins again and its becuase of that judgement that I hold against myself, or believe others hold against me that the thinking never stops.

I would like to constantly blame past bad experiences for my need to analyze and think instead of actually just doing what i want when i want to ....but at the same time when I think about it, I had tonnes of bad experiences in high school, which never made me anaylze or over think things in Uni..so when did it start and Why?!?!?!?!

Is it age that causes these crazy genes?!?! the older we get the more senial we get, hence why the brain never really stops??....this can't be it, becuase if it is I need to start medicating myself now so I am not in a position to be admited when I am like 35, lol....

But, in all seriousness, I think its likely becuase the older we get the more serious we think about life. Time seems to play a bigger part in everything we do and hence we place more presure and judgement on ourselves. and our insecurities begin to shine as we constantly question everything...So now the question is how can we just manage all this nonsence, I mean girls especially??? Because unlike men, we dont have the ability to always have a blank mind/brain, lol.....

Its annoying, but the reality is that there is no answer and thats the truth...Everyone has a different solution to help them with these types of issues...and mine is yoga :)

I just need to now figure out, how I can make EVERY HOUR of EVERY DAY make me feel as though I am in that yoga studio letting my judgement go :S

Tips anyone, lol????

- Arti

Ever Wondered...

Its amazing the people you meet when you are traveling and the relationships that can very quickly develop. Its as though you just end up meeting all the right people when you are ment to and its as if, the choices you made to be where you were at that moment were partly becuase you were ment to meet that person or group of people. Thats pretty much how I feel about the people I met along my journey through Uganda, Kenya and England.. and in the months that have followed my return they continue to challenge my thinking and thoughts. This post is for you Louise :)

So with the beginning of a new year, there is always the momentum to get things going, to be optmistic, to rid the wrongs of the year before and to boldly change who you are so that you can finally begin to be the person you want to be. That momentum is always there for at least most of January, but ever wonder why as February hits most of that optimism begins to fade, and we all fall back into the usual mundaine patterns of the day to day??

Now i know most of us want to blame it on the cold weather, which is likely where my thoughts were headed. But based on an article that was referred to me its said that Hope and Optimism are two things that the human race is just not good at in general.

The article says that the reason we are not very good at the idea of hope and optimism is becuase we convince ourselves that if we do not show our hope and optimism for a certain situation then when or if it doesnt work out then we can tell ourselves "well at least I didnt get my hopes up". Interesting thought, that actually brings me back to many moments where i experienced failure of one kind or another. And it is true. Its as though secretly we have imagined all the good, but wont say it out loud becuase once its been said, and your feelings been shown the pressure of it not working out increases as you feel as though you have more to lose now.

So while this all makes sence, my question is at what point do we just brave it out? and decide screw the hurt that could happen and instead live and take chances? I mean isn't failing to show hope and optimism a way of settling? And don't we all go through life advising each other to never settle due to our amazingness (and yes i totally just made that word up!)??

The whole idea of being optimistic and showing how hopeful you are, I believe dies with age, which stems from something I once heard. It is said that as you get older, you are suppose to remember what it was like to be 18 and live life that way in some respects...becuase the older you get the more jaded you are and you have the weight of past failures, heartbreaks and roadblocks on your shoulders everyday of your life. So by remembering what it was like to be 18, its almost as if you face everything with a more naive mind that keeps you hopeful that this time things will be different...

I am definately no stranger to failing to show hope and optimism, but as I am beginning realize sometimes the bad things that happen, just happen for a reason and as you move through life all the bad suddenly begins to make sence, because you are just moving closer to where you are ment to end up and that end point is usually where you realize that all that bulshit was worth it :)

Soo in closing, sometimes we just gotta live like we're 18, just so we can all get closer to realizing WHY THE HELLLL WE HAD TO PUT UP WITH ALL THESE GROWING PAINS IN THE FIRST PLACE :)

thats it for now
-A

A challenge for 2010, are you game?

As we get older, the loads on our backs get heavier. We walk through life failing to enjoy what we have and spend more time being fearful rather then enjoying the right nows.

The one and biggest thing I struggled with while i was away in Africa was how it was soo easy for everyone there to just live and enjoy. They never looked or focused on what they didn't have or the hurt that they had gone through all they did was just LIVE. Meanwhile here i was full of eternal blessings and yet, on most days struggled to wake up smiling.

And while we wake up every morning and walk through life living, when and how often do we ever get up out of bed in the morning and think, Wow i am so lucky to be alive today? I am so lucky to be able to hug my mom and dad today? I am so lucky that I have a job that pays my bills as well as the finer things in life? And so on..

We just don't do these kinds of things and simply because we all build our lives on wants. Life will never be perfect until we lose those last 10 pounds, fall in love, buy that car or so on. It never matters how perfect things could seem, because we have just been trained to need and want more then what we have. And its those needs and wants that stop us from living and feeling like everything on its own is just perfect today and for that we should smile.

Since I have been back and even while I was there, i learnt to live the way TRUE AFRICANS do, full of zest, life and appreciation of everything that I have. I went from being the girl full of complaints to being the girl that is now like its not perfect, but its good for now and I am happy with right now...and for 2010 and the decade ahead thats all i wish to continue to do ...ENJOY, be happy and appreciate even when the darkest clouds have taken over my life and for right now thats what i wish for all of you.

Let life be your guide and fear be the enemy that u chose to never associate with, heres to waking up smiling for everyday that we have in 2010, just try it, you may be surprised with how addicting the feeling actually is.

Write Soon

-A