30 days later...

It's my last post about this 30 day journey which seemed to have dragged on a bit as I read the final pages of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of NOW". I have thought long and hard about this post and how I wanted to it symbolize something that I hope inspires everyone around me but at the same time sheds some light into who I really am. And while I continue to debate I know I will always want to go back and add or change something, but the reality is I must embrace the NOW and just write what comes to me. So here it goes.

As I neared the end of this book there is a story that came about that I would love to share with you all, it goes as such:

Here is the story of Banzan. Before he became a great Zen master, he spent many years in the pursuit of enlightenment, but it eluded him. Then one day, as he was walking in the marketplace, he overheard a conversation between a butcher and his customer. "Give me the best piece of meat you have, " said the customer. And the butcher replied, "Every piece of meat I have is the best. There is no piece of meat here that is not the best." Upon hearing this, Banzan became enlightened.

I can see you are waiting for some explanation, so here it is. When you accept what is, every piece of meat - every moment- is the best. And that is enlightenment.

I read that story on my way into work and actually teared up. The reality is it reminded me a lot of the people I met in Uganda, especially all my kiddies. There was a never a day I saw any of those kids cry and whine about what they didn't have, to them life was bountiful and amazing and in some ways they had all been enlightened because to them every breath was worth celebrating.

Its a lot easier said then done, this I know and trust me as I pick up the pieces in my personal life and attempt to Accept the things I can not change for now, each day seems like a struggle. Yet every time I want to lay in bed and never leave or want to step away from my desk to escape to the solitude of a bathroom stall. I work with my mind to bring me back to the NOW, to take advantage of the amazing moments I should be living.

In reality life will always have obstacles to throw your way. Things will never be perfect and the obstacles you face will only make you stronger, wiser and more aware of the love that surrounds you.

The point is that at each of these road blocks you are to take those three magical options - Leave it, Accept it or Change it - chose 1 and move forward, into the NOW. The more time you spend allowing these road blocks to consume you the more chances you have at creating more issues and pushing the ones you love or support you away.

All you have to do is decide, how you want to spend the next moment of your life, Smiling or Crying?

Thanks for sharing the journey, back to random non-emotional thoughts, promise :)

-A

Confessions of Failure..

Now if that title doesn't grab you, what will??? The reality is I must confess that as I approach day 30 of this journey which is tomorrow, I really only lasted 26 days without any alcohol. BUT and I mean a big BUTT (much like mine, lol) I will admit that my Saturday night break down of my detox was not because I felt the need to binge drink, but it was merely in a toast to one of my closesssst girls and her newly named finance that caused me to break.

I thought quite hard about punishments for myself, including the idea of restarting my 30 days but have come to realize that based on a personal choice, for nobody but me, that I much rather like my sober self and am planning to pretty much weed out the idea of any drinking in my life period. BOLD statement I know, but for now let's just say its limited to special occassions (next in line MY BURDAY :) )

On that note, as I lay in bed on Sunday morning deciding to skip out on Yoga and sleep a bit longer instead, I started my day late, but realized HOW AMAZING the weather was for February. As I drove home, along 16th avenue and noticed the sun shining and the ice melting, I knew that skipping yoga was meant to be a chance for me to replace it with a run.

Now, for most of you who know me "run" is a cover -up for my grandma style power walking which flat feet and numerous other issues limit me to. But recently, meaning prior to this weather becoming annoying, I had substituted my power walking for running for at least the last 10 minutes of my 45-60 minute walk.

Keeping that in mind, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO idea where any of my adrenalin came from, but on Sunday it was my mission to RUN, no power walking, ONLY RUNNING...and that I did..I went through my IPOD populated my "RUNNING" list and took off, no stretching (BAD MISTAKE), i just opened the door to my house, went down the porch steps and took off and felt much like Forest I must say. I RANNNNN RANNNNN RANNN...like i have never run before, and I sang out loud, like i was crazy but enjoyed every last second of that run. My usual route now consisted of 75% running :)

Now, my legs after two days have stopped paining all over, but i must say that running like that made me feel like I was truly living in the moment, or as I have been saying in the NOW. None of the I CANT'S, I WON'Ts, ITS IMPOSSIBLES were in my head. All that was there was the sun, the amazing weather, the music and the goal I know I am working towards, and that goal is what I was running towards and has and will continue to keep me moving.

B4 I leave I wanted too leave you with a couple of things. One a quote I heard yesterday that is much like a question, I encourage you all to incorporate into your daily lives and two a listing of my running list and current driving to work play list.

1. This saying was something I got from the movie entitled "beyond the secret" which was passed onto me by someone who has truly been like a backbone to me and always leaves me wondering how and why certain relationships form (thanks V for everything :) )...but none the less the NUMBER 1 take away I got from this movie was:

"If you didn't think it was impossible, what would you do?"

Now you consider that, the next time you want to say it wont work, its not possible, etc.

2. MY SOOOONG LIST, now this I think you will all quite enjoy, here is the run down, with comments of course :

(1) Halfway gone (Lifehouse)

"You got one foot out the door, and your choking on the other, always thinking there is something more, its just around the corner"

Likely the way I have always lived my life, because of fear and only one thing has changed that for me as of now.

(2) Chemicals React (Aly& AJ)

Clearly I just love this song, but also because it just describes how I see the idea of relationships

(3) Never say Never ( The Fray)

Really, do you need to ask?? "You can NEVER say NEVER, While we don't know it"

(4) The Climb (Miley Cyrus)

Seriously don't hate, lol, I LOVVE HER! ..lol..but for reals

"The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking, sometimes might knock me down, but no I'M NOT BREAKING"

Alll i gotta say is this kid knows what she is talking about it, it is all about the climb, just think about some of the hardest things you achieved.

(5) The One (Mary J)

Mhmmmm because clearly to all my loser ex bf's I ammmmmmm the one they lost out on :P

(6) Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson)

I think the idea of this song, just really made me feel like i was running past all the things in my past that have held me from moving forward. AND YES i totally sang this outloud while running!

(7) I AM (Mary J)

Mhmmmmm again, because regardless of imperfections, I AM pretty amazing :)

(8) Forever (Chris Brown)

Wife beater or not, this song is DOPE!!!!! and was my UFE my anthem, was what I sang out driving along the PCH to San Fran and is still what gets a smile on my face :)

(9) Set the Fire to the Third Bar (Snow Patrol)

To be honest, I just like the beat of the song, no sappy emotional ties to this one just yet!

(10) I'm Gone, I'm Going (Leslie Roy)

Is my break free song of anything bad I just ever walk away from, you gotta love bitchy girl rock, lol.

ANNNND thats the list and my quote annnnd now I must rest my tired ass legs, lol. One more post to go for this 30 day journey which I am hoping will leave you al inspired and then I go back to blogging randomness that I know will be full of Interesting stories.

Til the End

-A

7 more days to go, lets take a look back...

Soo here I am, about 23 days into this program that I set out for myself and have pretty much decided that there a lot of things I will definately take away from this. Specifically as shocking as this may be for some, that my detox with liquer may become a rather permanent change, AND THAT is not a joke :) Seriously, we all know how dramatic I am normally, do you really think the liquer makes me anymore tolerable?...lol

Anyways with the amount of emotions that have been surrounding me the past bit, I have come to realize that living in the NOW isn't ment to be a serious emotional drain, but rather a kind of life that always has you focusing on the current moments that are suppose to resinate positivity. With that being said, there are suppose to be things that make you laugh and smile, sooo here is a summary of some of things that I have learnt that will hopefulllly make you laugh:

1. Whille living in the NOW purchases like 40 inch plasma TV's don't get thought about, YOU JUST hand over your credit card and thats that. And about 30 days later when you see your bill, you cant be mad about it becuase really you only have 3 choices - LEAVE IT, CHANGE IT & ACCEPT IT...you really can't change it, soo you just sort of have to accept it as you bang your head against the wall, lol.

2. Whille living in the NOW the weekends always seem so FAR AWAY, especially when its Monday. Because you are taking in each moment, days seeem to go ON FOREVER AND EVER and sleep just goes by that much quicker becuase your mind is EXHAUSTED.

3. Whille living in the NOW my brusie count has gone down, as I have begun to be able to actually multi task in my head - i.e. focus on going down the stairs, but eyes STILL LOOK AHEAD, so that i don't miss steps, bang into people, trip over useless objects :)

4. The idea of the secret has allowed me to make soo much sence of phrases like "when it rains it pours", but still can not make sence of how my credit card bills will turn into envelopes carrying money in them, thoughts?

5. I have literally become OBSESSSED with watching the SECRET, it continues to motivate me and I see the reality in it...I just think that everyone around me will soon come to know the boy with the bike as my best friend rather then a character from this movie, lol.

6. Little tricks and tools I have learnt to block out negative thoughts and remain surrounded by positivity -
1. SING out loud (mhmm, preferably not in public so people don't stop and point),
2. TALK yourself out of it, literally have a conversation with yourself (AGAIN definately not in public - other wise the pysch ward is the only place you will be giong),
3. Keep pictures up or around you of positive things in your life, so that whenever you feel crappy you look up and smile - make sure your photos relate to real things and do not become obsessive shrines :p,
4. most importantly - LAUGH ALWAYS :)

So thats a bit of a summary for now, I think the main thing I am beginning to see is that you just have to learn to believe and follow your gut, which means ridding of all doubts COMPLETELY. Tough to do, but no one said that getting the life you want and deserve would just come that easily.

Thanks for all the continued support, til the next update
-A

There are really only 3 options ...

So after a few days of much needed rest, relaxation, lots of yoga and girl bonding like you have never imagined, I feel much like myself again.

The past few days have been rather interesting and while I still feel the weight in my chest that has me feeling like rest is still on the agenda, I am beginning to see a bit clearer and realize that my mind has really been trained to live like I can only see the next 200 ft in front of me. Its awesome to not be worried all the time and be stressed about the what if's of tomorrow, but its especially amazing to know that people that have known me for years and years, tell me that I am glowing and have changed quite a bit. No matter what my internal struggles are looks like I am learning to deal with them and only emit positiveness to the universe :)

So, along with this little 30 day challenge, of which of course I am more then half way through now (10 more days!!) I have had the ability to aspire many of my friends to read the Power of Now, watch the Secret (or be obsessed much like I am) and start a vision book or board of some kind. Its awesome because in moments of weakness or struggle I feel like someone turns to me with something from one of these sources that gets me back on my feet again.

So in day one of my restful period, in which I was contemplating whether to continue on this journey, I woke up to an email from someone embarking on their own little journey to remind me of a lesson taught by Eckhart Tolle which was once again read and drilled into me by my yoga teacher this morning. And the more I have thought about things, the more I am coming to see the reality behind this little lesson and how it can stop you from a whole lot of anxiety and unneeded stress.

I bet you're all wondering what it is? lol. Okay so here it is. You are going through your life as you normally would, and suddenly you reach a junction, a bad situation, a testy situation, a WTF situation, basically something that makes you want to scream WHY ME!!! What do you do? I mean what can you do?How do you erase it? How do you make the world change it?!?!? how, how, how DOES IT JUST GO THE HELL AWAY? The reality is no matter how much you try you can't really erase what's been done, all you can do is simply choose one of the 3 courses of action:

1. Leave it. - walk away, just let it be.

2. Change it. - if you have control over it, then stop whining and do something about it.

3. Accept it. - and if you have no control, face it, walk away and just BELIEVE in the things you want. I mean after all nothing we want comes that easily and without a bump or two in the road.

Its that simple and while it may seem frustrating, by choosing one of these three courses of action, you eliminate so much wasted time on being sad, depressed, and thinking NEGATIVELY. You can't control the everyday, all you can control is what you do, your actions and what you believe and at the end of the day, you just gotta keep sticking to what you believe and put it out there.

SOOOO there you have it, something small to leave you guys to think about. There really only are 3 choices and a whole lotta faith/belief in things/life you want :)

- A

Breath...

I am taking a break from writing about my 30 day mission that at times has kept me severely overwelmed, emotional and down right exhausted. I think it all sort of caught up with me yesterday as I lay completely frozen in my bed in the morning wondering if my mind would ever tell my body to move and then just like that my mind went completely blank...

And since then I have just begun to feel the affects of how quickly I have been moving since my return from Africa. When I was away in Uganda, I use to lay awake at night and contemplate life and what I was suppose to do with it. I mean on one hand you want the money and on the other you want the happiness and one doesn't necessarily mean the other. And as time went on there I learnt to say goodbye to my attachments like my clothes, my makeup, my ipod, my blackberry and realized that the only thing I was really attached to, the only thing that really besides me kept me happiest was the people I surrounded myself with. Which was so hard for me to come to terms with.

I mean I am one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve and shows my emotions in everything I do. But any kind of relationship be it with friends, boyfriends, family has never been easy for me. My insecurities allowed me to be a doormat when I was younger and hence got taken advantage of quite a bit and as I go older and learnt to shine through my insecurities and start holding my own many people around me who had gotten use to me being one way couldn't handle the change. Then because of going through a lot of rough stints in all these relationships I began to be that person that just wanted to be everything to everyone and make sure that everyone around me was happiest because I never wanted anyone to feel the shortages or the rough points that I felt.

And while I have tried so hard to keep everyone happy around me, it has allowed me to hold back and not necessarily open up and thus allow my trust levels to stay really slim. So when I was in africa and realized what the people in my life meant for me. It meant that those walls would have to break and that I would need to start admitting to people that I wasn't perfect and that opening up was something I wanted to do forever but just let all my fears get in the way.

Which I guess in a lot of ways is why I did start this mission.

That and well this fast forward life I have been living since I have been back all help me stay occupied from thinking about how much I miss my life in Uganda and the amazingness I felt when I was in front of those group of kids and surrounded by their ability to just live. They made me want to be things I didn't ever think I wanted to be, including the idea of a mother. And it just isn't as easy as taking a flight to Cali or NYC to visit friends, its not so easily done.

And yesterday morning it all hit me, that I just needed to really do one thing that didn't include my 30 day mission, my new job, condo hunting, helping people through their problems and life stresses, being patient with the annoyances in my life and so on....

All I really need to do is....

Catch my breath.

-A

Halfway mark, and already feeling liberated :)

"The moment you truly forgive, you have reclaimed your power from the mind. Nonforgiveness is the very nature of the mind, just as the mind-made false self the ego, can not survive without strife and conflict. The mind can not forgive. Only YOU CAN...."

This is the last thing I read out of my book this weekend, and when I did, I had to take a moment to sit back and really just realize how true this statement really is. Its been a week since my last post and the truth is besides the fact that it has been a crazy week of settling into a new job, after doing what I promised in my last post which was to write letters to those people/events in my past that I needed to forgive, I needed sometime to recover from all the emotions entangled in doing such a task.

A very emotional sunday night, followed by work & life craziness left me in blankets between both the TV & this book all weekend. I needed sometime to recover and realize that I had and have forgiven and forgotten the past. Those moments that kept stopping me from moving forward are just events of the past that no longer effect my mind. I feel like in many ways a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I have one less issue to drag me down from enjoying the days I have been given.

After taking some time to reflect this wkend, I realized that I have actually begun to live in the now and while I have yet to rid the stresses that I anticipate during the day, I have learned to just see each day as it is, instead of just anticipating future days and events so that happiness can arrive. Its kind of a liberating experience and I am beginning to feel so focused and positive about the things I want that the worries of things that stopped me from being soo focused before have begun to dissipate.

Also I would love to report that while in week 2 of being liquer free, I have enjoyed a few nights out, a basketball game and random chilling with out drinking and have actually begun to enjoy the effects of the lack of liquer...you know the money you save, the lack of feeling crappy the next day, the ability to really enjoy your friends company instead of forgetting the moments and most importantly, I love that it just makes me feel that much more healthier and active about my life. So now I wonder if this is actually a lifetime commitment I may be able to make..mhmmm, to debate perhaps :)

Soo as I am half way through this journey and beginning to feel liberated in my ways, my next issue is this. How do you tell the universe or put out to the universe that you are focused, full of belief and positivity, but yet are still saddened by day to day events and moments that you need to endure?

Because that's my current struggle while a certain situation in my life isn't what i wish at this moment, i do believe, yet it doesn't really rid the day to day sadness of it all, so how I ask do I deal with that?!?!??! Any hints or tips? Because while I can remain happy and positive, I am only human and still hurt and get sad when things aren't what they really should be....

Hoping this book, or one of you has an answer

- A