LOVE....
What is it? And for that matter what does it even mean, stand for and everything in between?
It's been about 4 years since I have said that "L" word to anyone other than my family and immediate friends, and while I may have thought I was close a time or two since it's one of those things I just won't say again until I know it's the last time...I know I am suppose to be living in the POWER OF NOW and be able to seize moments, but it's like the Snow Patrol Song Chasing cars - "Those 3 words, Are Said too Much, they're not enough"...How many times can "I love you" be said, with out beginning to sound the same from person to person.
When I was growing up, I believed in the idea of a cinderella fairy tale. You know Prince Charming and all his charmingness would come sweep me off my feet and love me forever more, bad hair days and all. And the older I get I remind myself of those dreams I had growing up, but then I force myself into reality realizing that things like marriage and starting a family can't just be as simple as that. I mean there is work involved, isn't there? Or have I convinced myself that it all requires that much work, only becuase things just haven't fallen into my lap like that?
What do you think?
I know I raise all these random issues - but let's face it, I'm a late 20 something attempting to make decisions that will affect me for the next 30-40 years of my life or however long I live. I mean am I suppose to walk down the street, magically bump into a stranger and that's it, love at first site will suddenly become forever lasting love? He will magically love me for all my imperfections, our families will combine as one and be amazing and we will walk off into the sunset? MHMM, YEAAA...NO!...lol...I mean in all seriousness doesn't all the glamour fade after awhile, and then suddenly all relationships become work?
I don't struggle with the idea of having to put the effort in, I mean at the end of the day, to know that one person will love you no matter what you could ever do or look like is more than enough for me to want to work through any battle or issue or crisis that we could face. My struggle is with the idea of LOVE and how we distinguish what real LOVE is? And do we LOVE or stay in LOVE becuase we are comfortable and afraid to take risks that seem like those fairy tale momenets we dreamt about as kids? Or do we really just realize that LOVE isn't all that stuff they make it out to be in the movies, rather instead it is as simple as a smile and a warm, secure hug?
I leave you with many questions as I struggle with the cross roads that I face. But before I go, I did think about what LOVE may mean to me...the list is quite long of course, it is from me after all..but never the less it is not exhaustive or complete...
LOVE IS....
a smile that reaches your eyes when you see that person, the warm hug and the sense of security you feel in that persons arms, a single gerber daisy, an uncontrolable sense of laughter you can have in the company of the ones you love, looking at each other at any given moment and not having to say a word and know what each of you is thinking, sticking it through all the good, bad and ugly, knowing when selflessness must come into play, being soo completely vulnerable you feel almost naked, knowing that no matter how bad it can get you'll never be alone, singing at the top of your lungs as you drive in the car, making up a million goofy dances and songs, noticing all the little things, holding a purse without complaining, FAMILY, doing things we hate just to make someone happy, waiting in the wings for the time to be right, and the list continues in my head, heart and mind.....
Till Next time - Continue loving the one's your with and never let a moment go by without saying how you feel, you never know when it could just be too late...
-Arti
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Revolving Door....
The infamous Revolving door...the one I could spend hours in as a child and the one that seems to sum up my life when it comes to the title of "best friend" or friend...
I thought as I got older, the concept of the revolving door theme would calm down a bit, but it seems the older I get the worse it seems to get. I mean the idea of the revolving door I guess is similar to that idea of seasons and time and how certain people just come into your life for short periods of time only to leave footprints (or stab wounds) in your heart.
I know we have all experienced this, after all it doesnt just represent the idea of friends but rather relationships as well...
Why you ask all of sudden does the idea of this pop into my head? Well, here goes...
Today, the 11th of July is a day I have spent for you dont even want to know how many years attempting to make it something beautiful for someone who I understood to embody the traits of someone I would take to my grave...My best friend. The one who no matter how much of a revolving door my friends seemed to take in my life, always stayed constant. Its like I never really had to worry about the revolving door becuase I had her and no matter how bad any relationship got whether with a boy or just with my girl friends, it didn't matter becuase she was there...The concept was rather beautiful to me and made me feel so special becuase I hadn't had that many people just stay for long periods of time in my life...maybe thats why I close myself off soo much when in person and only let snipits out at a time..who knows....
Anyways, as you guessed it this relationship is no more. And while it ended extremely coldly on the other end, I can't imagine nor fathom how something so beautiful could have just been simply forgotten or replaced. And now many months later, I have had to experience utter and complete heart break, job change, endless back and forth and questioning of the path I have chosen for my life and the list continues all on my own. I would be wrong to say I didnt have anyone holding my hand becuase I have, but becuase so much of myself depended on her, its like I have been left not knowing how to even depend on people...
So my question is does it get easier?
I mean becuase along with this, I feel like I have been struggling with having to continuously proove myself to the friends I do have and quite frankly I am getting so exhausted. I come home from work, school or play and just plop into bed at nite and wonder who will be left standing with me 5, 10 or 15 years from now...
Maybe the idea is as it stands. That the only people that will really always be around will be family and the rest is just a pile of experiences that you will live to tell about....
Thoughts?
Til Next time
- A
P.s. Before I get too many pity calls - one still remains for me...one meaning a best friend and there aint no way this friendship will ever die we promised each other bitch slaps before it ever happened...lol...LOVE YA FOTO :)
I thought as I got older, the concept of the revolving door theme would calm down a bit, but it seems the older I get the worse it seems to get. I mean the idea of the revolving door I guess is similar to that idea of seasons and time and how certain people just come into your life for short periods of time only to leave footprints (or stab wounds) in your heart.
I know we have all experienced this, after all it doesnt just represent the idea of friends but rather relationships as well...
Why you ask all of sudden does the idea of this pop into my head? Well, here goes...
Today, the 11th of July is a day I have spent for you dont even want to know how many years attempting to make it something beautiful for someone who I understood to embody the traits of someone I would take to my grave...My best friend. The one who no matter how much of a revolving door my friends seemed to take in my life, always stayed constant. Its like I never really had to worry about the revolving door becuase I had her and no matter how bad any relationship got whether with a boy or just with my girl friends, it didn't matter becuase she was there...The concept was rather beautiful to me and made me feel so special becuase I hadn't had that many people just stay for long periods of time in my life...maybe thats why I close myself off soo much when in person and only let snipits out at a time..who knows....
Anyways, as you guessed it this relationship is no more. And while it ended extremely coldly on the other end, I can't imagine nor fathom how something so beautiful could have just been simply forgotten or replaced. And now many months later, I have had to experience utter and complete heart break, job change, endless back and forth and questioning of the path I have chosen for my life and the list continues all on my own. I would be wrong to say I didnt have anyone holding my hand becuase I have, but becuase so much of myself depended on her, its like I have been left not knowing how to even depend on people...
So my question is does it get easier?
I mean becuase along with this, I feel like I have been struggling with having to continuously proove myself to the friends I do have and quite frankly I am getting so exhausted. I come home from work, school or play and just plop into bed at nite and wonder who will be left standing with me 5, 10 or 15 years from now...
Maybe the idea is as it stands. That the only people that will really always be around will be family and the rest is just a pile of experiences that you will live to tell about....
Thoughts?
Til Next time
- A
P.s. Before I get too many pity calls - one still remains for me...one meaning a best friend and there aint no way this friendship will ever die we promised each other bitch slaps before it ever happened...lol...LOVE YA FOTO :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
a beautiful unconventional moment full of commitment...
I have been struggling for days with what to write. My mind is a complete blur and as I try and process things I have found out that I likely should not know, my heart, head and everything in between is at a complete state of question.
The topics of posts that I kept toying with were the idea of "normal/conventional" and commitment, neither of which I know much about since I tend to always follow unconventional paths that make me wonder if I stick to them because I am scared of the idea of commitment and having to trust anyone that much. Clearly those around me know that when it comes to those that are closest to me or that have been closest to me, there seems to be a somewhat "Revolving door" theme. Mhmm, and I have trust issues, you wonder?
In the midst of me trying to figure out how to explain all the things in my head and cope with the emotions of being utterly in a state of "I just don't know", I experienced what appears to have been one of the single most beautiful moments of my life and before I dive in, I just want to say thank you to Alicia, for letting me be apart of such an incredible moment :)
So, there alicia and I were, at spadina gardens clearly the best hakka resto in the city, when she gets the text from her brother in law that her sister michelle will begin pushing in 1/2 an hour (back-up, one moment...pushing means she is in labour!!!!). Both in complete excitement we flee the resto and race back to the hospital.
We go in to see Michelle, just before the doctor's come in and she is completely calm and ready to go. It was as if having a baby was a daily activity for her, I mean what happened to the screamming, out of control ladies on TV? I was soo incredibly confused, but she reassurred me that the drugs made her that calm..CLEARLYYY I will be taking every drug the doctor has, nooo attempt at natural pregnancy here, thank you!
Anyways, after saying our goodlucks, Alicia and I head to the waiting room where we sat with her mother, her other sister, her sister's inlaws and her brother -in law's best friend & partner. We all sat around giggling, laughing and sharing stories, while awaiting any news. And then about an hour or 2 later a text was recieved by the grandmother's first of the first picture of Joshua Neil, absolutley stunning. The minute the pictures come through the tears in the room start flowing, and the hugs and kisses begin. It was one of those moments where you get caught up in feeling how amazing life really is.
But as I sat there taking such a moment in, I began to realize that everything I wanted to write about was in front of me. How was it, that I could be surrounded by what I was? Michelle comes from a Trini family, whom represents the typical standard trini family, am I right alicia? And Devon her husband comes from your atypical Jewish family, you know predominant famlies, with lots of wealth, representing high society living. The two families were bound by their love and commitment to an unconventional path. Falling in love with people whom their families never expected for each of them, yet they stuck to it and allowed their love to endure, and with time any reserved or ill feelings the families had, were erased and together in that waiting room they sat completely harmonized by love.
On top of that sat with us Devon's best friend, who will b the God Father to Little Joshua. He was accompanied by his partner and you know what that means. A gay couple again bound to each other by their commitment to an unconventional path once again.
It was absolutely beautiful and gave me the thought that maybe I just stuck to unconventional paths becuase I followed my heart and my instincts and chose to not conform to what other people have wanted for me. While I know everyone has their best of intentions, I am coming to realize that if you really just stop and listen to your insides for a moment it will tell you everything you need to know.
And its when you hear that voice, you learn to trust, stay committed and stick to unconventional paths even in its most trying moments. This is why we never really give up on things we believe in, after all that is the power of commitment, isn't it?...
Til Next time
-A
The topics of posts that I kept toying with were the idea of "normal/conventional" and commitment, neither of which I know much about since I tend to always follow unconventional paths that make me wonder if I stick to them because I am scared of the idea of commitment and having to trust anyone that much. Clearly those around me know that when it comes to those that are closest to me or that have been closest to me, there seems to be a somewhat "Revolving door" theme. Mhmm, and I have trust issues, you wonder?
In the midst of me trying to figure out how to explain all the things in my head and cope with the emotions of being utterly in a state of "I just don't know", I experienced what appears to have been one of the single most beautiful moments of my life and before I dive in, I just want to say thank you to Alicia, for letting me be apart of such an incredible moment :)
So, there alicia and I were, at spadina gardens clearly the best hakka resto in the city, when she gets the text from her brother in law that her sister michelle will begin pushing in 1/2 an hour (back-up, one moment...pushing means she is in labour!!!!). Both in complete excitement we flee the resto and race back to the hospital.
We go in to see Michelle, just before the doctor's come in and she is completely calm and ready to go. It was as if having a baby was a daily activity for her, I mean what happened to the screamming, out of control ladies on TV? I was soo incredibly confused, but she reassurred me that the drugs made her that calm..CLEARLYYY I will be taking every drug the doctor has, nooo attempt at natural pregnancy here, thank you!
Anyways, after saying our goodlucks, Alicia and I head to the waiting room where we sat with her mother, her other sister, her sister's inlaws and her brother -in law's best friend & partner. We all sat around giggling, laughing and sharing stories, while awaiting any news. And then about an hour or 2 later a text was recieved by the grandmother's first of the first picture of Joshua Neil, absolutley stunning. The minute the pictures come through the tears in the room start flowing, and the hugs and kisses begin. It was one of those moments where you get caught up in feeling how amazing life really is.
But as I sat there taking such a moment in, I began to realize that everything I wanted to write about was in front of me. How was it, that I could be surrounded by what I was? Michelle comes from a Trini family, whom represents the typical standard trini family, am I right alicia? And Devon her husband comes from your atypical Jewish family, you know predominant famlies, with lots of wealth, representing high society living. The two families were bound by their love and commitment to an unconventional path. Falling in love with people whom their families never expected for each of them, yet they stuck to it and allowed their love to endure, and with time any reserved or ill feelings the families had, were erased and together in that waiting room they sat completely harmonized by love.
On top of that sat with us Devon's best friend, who will b the God Father to Little Joshua. He was accompanied by his partner and you know what that means. A gay couple again bound to each other by their commitment to an unconventional path once again.
It was absolutely beautiful and gave me the thought that maybe I just stuck to unconventional paths becuase I followed my heart and my instincts and chose to not conform to what other people have wanted for me. While I know everyone has their best of intentions, I am coming to realize that if you really just stop and listen to your insides for a moment it will tell you everything you need to know.
And its when you hear that voice, you learn to trust, stay committed and stick to unconventional paths even in its most trying moments. This is why we never really give up on things we believe in, after all that is the power of commitment, isn't it?...
Til Next time
-A
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)