I have been sitting here for days, trying to figure out how to write what I want to write. In the midst of the chaos of my life I feel like it has come to a complete stand still on more levels than one. I get that feeling that you get when you wanna scream soo loud that it stops time, but yet I cant seem to even let myself stop for long enough to let that happen....
So why suddenly has this feeling come over me? And why does it continue to weigh me like more than a tonne of bricks?
As most of you know I coach students, well really adult professionals through the CA process. Its something I take great pride in and is a responsibility that weighs on me more then the job that actually pays. So back in January I was introduced to a girl from my former firm who had just failed the first of these 3 crazy exams for the third time. With the pressure of the potential job loss that could come with a 4th failure, the feeling of a loss of confidence and ability and the utter frustration of what more could she do, we were connected. And much like any relationship over the past few months it has grown into a very trusting one. A quite girl whom I never expected to just come out of her shell and reach out for help, suddenly depended on me more then most of my students ever had....
So her study leave approached and we solidifed a schedule and a check in protocal and forward she marched on more confident then ever. Then suddenly I recieved a call from her last week Wednesday and it was from the minute she started talking that my world stood still...
Without revealing too much, here is the synopsis.....
Boy meets girl, girl meets boy its the start of high school and an amazingly young love begins to flourish. Then as high school comes to an end the two see the need to grow beyound what they have been presented in their lives and move to North America. Him to Florida and Her to Toronto. The aches, pains, struggles and growing pains bring the two together but also seperate them as they begin the on and off cycle that most relationships undergo...as I have begun to learn...Needless to say years pass and the cycle continues...and suddenly after going through an off phase that has lasted months and months, the two are reconnected through a simple phone call. It is here the cycle can start again, only she puts her foot down and screams and yells for all the ups, downs and hurts that he has caused. They end the call and She goes back to think...within days she realizes where her heart lies and as she plans to call him to tell him everything on his birthday as a suprise, She recieves a call....and this is where it ends...
Because as She anxiously awaited his birthday to open her heart and reveal her feelings...he had drown to death in a Florida water way and will now never be there to pick up that call....
I can't even begin to explain the feelings I feel. And while my heart hurts for her more than anything else, my mind is racing with questions.
I mean is life as long as we consider it to be? And how much future planning can we do, if really our time here on what we call earth is clicking away like a time bomb??On top of that, for how long must we follow those relationship rules of playing games and not letting anyone in? At what point do we break freee and add a little bit of unrealism to our actions??
I mean at what point do we let our ego's stop driving us and just do what we want to do with out fear, with out question and with out regret. I mean what if you waited soo long just to let it all out, only to realize that there would be no one on the other end - and not becuase they are in another relationship, but becuase they are no longer there...
Not to sound dramatic but the reality is, it could be true for all you know...if 2morrow never came would stupid exams, jobs, and things like money ever really matter as much as love, life and family?
In that one phone call I recieved last week, I came to realize what I loved about teaching and that was that my studentst taught me more about life and love then any corporate type job could ever give me. And its all these lessons that make me better, stronger and wiser...
And with that I leave you with this ...
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
If life is stronger, that just means you need to keep living enough to make those memories last a lifetime...
-A
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
me, the mountains. a white robe and WHAT?!!? NO CELL PHONE!!!
Yes thats right, you read the title correctly :) After much debate of where to go, what to do and who to do this all with, I decided on my wkend getaway destination. Realizing the shortness of a wkend and the chaos of a beach vacation, I decided to stay in Cowtown this wkend, as a piece of home flew in to join me. The two of us set out in a mini van lent to me by my amazing family to Banff for a much needed wkend full of nothing but R&R and bonding off course.
Driving along the 1, made me realize just how much I love long road trips, especially along scenic routes like this one. Being surrounded by the rockies, blasting some MJ and singing on the top of my lungs only describes the amazingness that this wkend became. And if that doesnt say it all , maybe this will - wkend highlights - many good eats, followed by a full spa day at the fairmont willow stream spa in Banff, followed by strolling through the hotel in white robes, followed by lots of laughing and bonding, followed by more breath taking views and again lots more good eats..WOOOW...
So while this wkend was one full of many firsts (i.e. hot tubs outside - AMAZING!), it also included a new routine I have begun to put myself in....Utter disconnection. No computer and ready for this ...NO CELL PHONE :) Over the past few months I have gotten into such a habit of shutting my phone off for days on end and leaving it in places I cant even remember and this wkend was definately no exception to this routine. I shut my phone off friday and to this moment as I write it still sits off in my suit case....
Utter disconnection, have you ever tried it???
Everyone knows me as the girl that is always reachable, always there when you need it and always willing to drop it all for anyone who needs it. My heart is abundant and my thoughts and worries are always consumed for other people. But as the months have gone by, I have come to realize how much I sacrifice for other people, and everytime I chose to disconnect, I am making a choice for me. And while I must admit the first few times felt akwardly uncomfortable, I have absolutely come to love the concept...
Especially since those that need to reach me will and further turning on your phone after days of being off is always full of nice suprises and glowing reminders that you are missed and appreciated. The ART OF LEARNING HOW TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS I guess I would call it.
Because not only do those who miss me seem to wonder if my phone is broken when I dont return a text right away, I also realize in those few short days who I cant wait to message at the flick of the on button on my phone...
The question now I leave you all with in my complete relaxed state...when was the last time you said Thank you, I love you, I miss you, or HELLLLO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU...to those you care for most?
Things may not always need to be said as we know through the coin phrase "actions speak lounder then words" but sometimes things need to be said..if at least once since assumptions, especially good ones are rarely made...that and the fact remains that utter disconnection means thinking, which means responses expected may never again be recieved....
Dreaming of the rockies and my plush white robe, write soon
-A
Driving along the 1, made me realize just how much I love long road trips, especially along scenic routes like this one. Being surrounded by the rockies, blasting some MJ and singing on the top of my lungs only describes the amazingness that this wkend became. And if that doesnt say it all , maybe this will - wkend highlights - many good eats, followed by a full spa day at the fairmont willow stream spa in Banff, followed by strolling through the hotel in white robes, followed by lots of laughing and bonding, followed by more breath taking views and again lots more good eats..WOOOW...
So while this wkend was one full of many firsts (i.e. hot tubs outside - AMAZING!), it also included a new routine I have begun to put myself in....Utter disconnection. No computer and ready for this ...NO CELL PHONE :) Over the past few months I have gotten into such a habit of shutting my phone off for days on end and leaving it in places I cant even remember and this wkend was definately no exception to this routine. I shut my phone off friday and to this moment as I write it still sits off in my suit case....
Utter disconnection, have you ever tried it???
Everyone knows me as the girl that is always reachable, always there when you need it and always willing to drop it all for anyone who needs it. My heart is abundant and my thoughts and worries are always consumed for other people. But as the months have gone by, I have come to realize how much I sacrifice for other people, and everytime I chose to disconnect, I am making a choice for me. And while I must admit the first few times felt akwardly uncomfortable, I have absolutely come to love the concept...
Especially since those that need to reach me will and further turning on your phone after days of being off is always full of nice suprises and glowing reminders that you are missed and appreciated. The ART OF LEARNING HOW TO APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS I guess I would call it.
Because not only do those who miss me seem to wonder if my phone is broken when I dont return a text right away, I also realize in those few short days who I cant wait to message at the flick of the on button on my phone...
The question now I leave you all with in my complete relaxed state...when was the last time you said Thank you, I love you, I miss you, or HELLLLO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU...to those you care for most?
Things may not always need to be said as we know through the coin phrase "actions speak lounder then words" but sometimes things need to be said..if at least once since assumptions, especially good ones are rarely made...that and the fact remains that utter disconnection means thinking, which means responses expected may never again be recieved....
Dreaming of the rockies and my plush white robe, write soon
-A
Thursday, April 8, 2010
why, why & why?!?!?
So clearly I did one of the hottest yoga classes EVER today. Jesus the teacher wasn't kidding when she said the side of the room i practised on was worse then a sauna. As I attempted to hold onto my downward dog, i began to let my mind wander a bit...preciously to the thought WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TOO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!?
I mean seriously, the room must be 185 degrees, i cant breath, my heart is beating as if it will come out my chest, my clothes are drenched and sticking to me and ALL the while this is suppose to be relaxing??? REALLLY?!?!!?!?...
But then as I lay there in shivasana I begin to realize that quite oftenly we do things we dont understand and the why's behind our actions all just become unanswered questions that remain.
So why? why do we do things that we cant explain to not only the general public but to ourselves? Is it all based on that inner feeling called "intuition" or is it fear that we act out of? I wonder...especially as I sit in this make shift Calgary apartment and think about the path I am treading on that has an ending I can see, but no guarantee it will be the fairy tale ending I hope for.
And the truth is I don't know why and cant even begin to explain why I at least do half the things I do. I mean I am a 28 year old woman who seems to love like I have never been hurt, yet I come from a long list of experiences that only involve being burned...so why I ask myself everyday..WHY, WHY, WHY?!?! Why do I keep doing it, only to have experiences that seem to continuously add to that list?
And I know I am not alone. I know there are a million girls, guys and inbetweens like me. And i can't begin to answer for everyone else. But for me at least I have it narrowed down to the way Gege put it in "he's just not that into you"...For every try you get closer or you hope that you do..
And that I think applies to everything in anyone's life..you never really give up becuase you believe if you try hard enough you will succeed.
And I think the more willing you are to try or push proves just how committed you are to that path of succession. Does it make sence??
Sooo for now as I sign off and attempt to recuperate from tonites yoga class, I think to myself why give up, when i know anything else just illustrates settling...which only means that I gotta continue to hope and believe and SUCKKK IT UP through the hard timmes....
FAWWWK! ...lol
-Arti
I mean seriously, the room must be 185 degrees, i cant breath, my heart is beating as if it will come out my chest, my clothes are drenched and sticking to me and ALL the while this is suppose to be relaxing??? REALLLY?!?!!?!?...
But then as I lay there in shivasana I begin to realize that quite oftenly we do things we dont understand and the why's behind our actions all just become unanswered questions that remain.
So why? why do we do things that we cant explain to not only the general public but to ourselves? Is it all based on that inner feeling called "intuition" or is it fear that we act out of? I wonder...especially as I sit in this make shift Calgary apartment and think about the path I am treading on that has an ending I can see, but no guarantee it will be the fairy tale ending I hope for.
And the truth is I don't know why and cant even begin to explain why I at least do half the things I do. I mean I am a 28 year old woman who seems to love like I have never been hurt, yet I come from a long list of experiences that only involve being burned...so why I ask myself everyday..WHY, WHY, WHY?!?! Why do I keep doing it, only to have experiences that seem to continuously add to that list?
And I know I am not alone. I know there are a million girls, guys and inbetweens like me. And i can't begin to answer for everyone else. But for me at least I have it narrowed down to the way Gege put it in "he's just not that into you"...For every try you get closer or you hope that you do..
And that I think applies to everything in anyone's life..you never really give up becuase you believe if you try hard enough you will succeed.
And I think the more willing you are to try or push proves just how committed you are to that path of succession. Does it make sence??
Sooo for now as I sign off and attempt to recuperate from tonites yoga class, I think to myself why give up, when i know anything else just illustrates settling...which only means that I gotta continue to hope and believe and SUCKKK IT UP through the hard timmes....
FAWWWK! ...lol
-Arti
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